Just a recap of the past year for me since today is a 1 year anniversary.

A year ago my father started to have serious health issues. He had 3 strokes in a matter of months. He could not talk well, lost some cognitive abilities, and some motor functions.

Same time I started to have abdominal pain that only a month ago faded away. I’ve been to hospitals too many times. Was on painkillers for some time.

For months I lived in terror. Terror that my father would die (every time my mother called I was answering with a lump in my throat); terror for myself because my health problems were kinda mysterious.

For months I was struggling with my motivation to continue with TROM or in life. You get to notice the shitshow this society is, so for someone like me who wants to “change this world for the better” it is the most demoralizing of things.

What kept me afloat was my life with Sasha because I knew I am not alone and together we can help each other and move on. Sasha’s grandma also died this period of time and she was someone who even watched our adventure videos with the motorhome. So sad about that.

For the past few months I was able to get myself back on track with TROM by releasing TROM Articles. My parents were ok and stable now. I supported Sasha to go do a hike by herself in Iceland because I care so much about her and want her to be happy. I thought she will get back and we are both charged up, happy, and ready to really live our lives.

While Sasha was in Iceland my sister got some bad news. She had some health problems that could have been terribly serious. Weeks of waiting for results….so much stress again for all of us in the family.

Sasha comes back she tells me she cheated on me and also wants to break up. The world fell apart for me that day. Next few weeks were the most horrible in my life.

I was getting ready for the eclipse in August when we meet with many wonderful friends – I was so sad Sasha won’t be part of this but so happy to see my best friends. Prepared for this for almost 2 years now and the telescope decided to break after 10 years…just now…

Past week my sister had surgery and that went bad. She was bleeding a lot we had to go to the ER where we waited for 6 hours to have her fixed. It was horrible. Same day my father had the 4th stroke. He had more troubles speaking and was confused.

I failed to pass the car inspection with my motorhome (my home) for the first time in 2 years.

At times we had a wonderful time like when I went together with Sasha for 3 weeks with the motorhome. I feel like crying out of frustration when I think about those times and how they won’t exist anymore.

But overall the world, for me, has been horrible. For my sister too. For my family too.

I feel like I lost my best friend and partner, and partially my father. And I am concerned for the future. Very.

I lost my hope and trust in humans. If Sasha, the most wonderful human on Earth from my perspective, could do this to me and abandon me like that, anyone can. At least that’s how I feel.

I do not have something to cling on for the future, a hope, a desire, something that can pull me towards a better life. I have to create this for myself.

Next few months will be crucial for me, my sister, my parents.

But I discovered FRIENDS. So many people jumped in to help.

Thank you Roma and his parents, Natasha, Benji, Aaron, Lenka, Roko, Shas, Agata, Jeff, Yair, Alexio, Clara, Guil, Dani, Joan, Basti, Xantulon, Matthias, Sofie, Sasha’s mom and everyone else who reached out to me/us and helped us so much.

And so to mention, Sasha was also there to help in case I needed help with my parents/sister. She helped me financially and said I can rely on her with any other help. Too ironic that the most awful for me is what she did to me…I’d prefer no help from her, just to not have done what she did.

Life goes on, but for the past month or so it feels like a stupid dark comedy for me. Too many bad things happening. It’s going to be extremely tough the next months. For now the best is to take it day by day literally and deal with problems one at a time.

In a few days we will meet with some of our wonderful friends. Then we go see the eclipse. Then we all go back. And then the real reckoning will begin. To be able to help my parents, my sister, myself. To be able to find some hope again and accept that my life has to radically change. To find ways to support myself financially. To…to learn how to live a life that is happy and meaningful.

I hope in a year from now, August 2027, my future self will read this from a happy place and look back and think “wow what a shithole I was into back then”. Please be so!

This is life…at times is going to be a horror show for us. And then it will pass. But the process is indeed terrible.

For now, let’s focus on the Eclipse and will see about the rest after that. I hope no more bad news will strike us now….

We are atoms and always will be, in this form or another.

Not that song, but actual “love”. I always hated that word for some reason because I thought it is shallow. But for the past years I used it a lot and got used to it. The dictionary says this:

A strong feeling of affection and concern toward another person, as that arising from kinship or close friendship.

I made a post about my girlfriend cheating on me and dumping me, so you can read it in full. That made me think about what this “love” is, since is a word we both used in our relationship often.

When you have a kid, and you love your kid, love means a lifelong (perhaps) feeling of care and appreciation towards that creature. The kid will smell, poop, yell, be mean, but also kind, smart, funny, cute. You won’t “divorce” your kid just because he poops his pants. No? Love is when you are able to overcome challenges in order to maintain a relationship that matters to you.

If you have a pet, say a dog, and after 3 years you think “fucking shit this thing shits 3 times a day I am done with it” then you are not someone who was prepared to have dogs. If you love your dog, you will put up with these things.

In a couple love should mean the same. If you decide to have a long term relationship with someone you must understand that problems will arise, attraction will decrease, annoyance can become more common, and overall the journey is long and you have to be strong.

If you are in a relationship with someone because “I saw that big boobed girl with a great ass and I love fucking her” then this is not a great start for a long term relationship. Physical attraction is in fact a bad way to start a long term relationship for the simple fact that people get old, they fart, eat like animals, can be annoying, and so forth. You have to change and see the other as your partner, not a sex toy.

If you manage to move from being in love with someone’s looks to also be in love with his/her personality, then even better, but both change, so regardless you have to put a lot of effort to keep a relationship working. Grey hair and getting fat are part of how the cells change over time, but so is the behavior of people. That’s also cells no? So there is no way around this other that adapting, making compromises, helping each other.

Of course all relationships are complex. And if the relationship does not work perhaps is better to move to separate ways. But there is NO longterm relationship that does not have to work like 2 friends helping each other. No way. Time is too long, friendship and helping each other will be far more important to keep you together than big boobs or a 6-pack.

So when my girlfriend said that she will break up with me because she found a better life for herself (solo hiking – adventure), and she also cheated on me (found sexual “freedom”), it made me think a lot about relationships and this idea of “love”. You see when we met she was very attracted to me, both physical and mental attraction. Then physical attraction faded, and mental one idk maybe still there? She ended up wanting her old lifestyle back that made her happier. On the opposite side I did not feel any physical attraction to her in the beginning, but loved her character and her as a person. I ended up feeling physical attraction to her in time, and kept my appreciation for her as a person. She found love and lost it. I grew love and kept it. Maybe that was the difference. That’s my guess.

I hate my parents sometimes. They drove me nuts over the years. But I love them overall. I like their company sometimes. They are there for me and I am here for them. It sounds like a ridiculous idea perhaps to give up on your parents, or kids, or pets, or siblings, just because you found better and more “fun” parents, kids, or pets. But in couples relationships this is normal and people can just give up on their partner after years of being together just because they find “something else”, a better and more “fun” partner, or a better and happier life. I am unsure if anyone can understand this, but in my head this is bizarre. Because if you let this feeling dictate your life you will always have to change relationships and lifestyles, since everything “gets old” metaphorically and literally. If that lifestyle suites you, so be it. I see things differently.

I saw my relationship with my girlfriend similarly to other relationships with my family and friends. Something that needs maintenance and management in order to work. The better you do these, the better the life will be for both of you. Countless times I was not attracted to her – is normal – but I bounced back and found happiness again. Attraction engaged, we are back on track. New ideas, experiences, talks, plans, internal thoughts are part of what can bounce back your relationship. Same way that a beating heart is not only beating but resting after the beat, something easily neglected, a relationship will normally pulsate.

I would find it heartbreaking if I were to find a more “fun” life and suddenly cut ties with my best friend, or my parents, or my sister, or someone very close to me. I would try to have both if possible.

In this Trade Based Society we all grow up looking for immediate fun and rewards because of ads, supermarkets, Malls. Wow that new car is lit! That cool new phone! Clothes, holidays to exotic places, delicious foods, consume, eat, fuck, drive, rinse and repeat. But in my view the wholesome of life comes from what you do in time with the things and creatures you interact with. That “cheap” car you have, you will love it more the more you use it and take care of it. The laptop, the gadgets, the technology that allows you do to important stuff, you will love it for that and get to appreciate its true value beyond the “looks”. Holidays are not important, you enjoying your time is, regardless of the place. Food is not just about taste you realize, else you will eat all of the crap, but about keeping yourself healthy as well. The value of things and relationships comes from deeper inside of them, not the package they are wrapped into.

If you do not appreciate these then your new phone is just a more expensive device that you use to scroll the same TikTok shit daily; your new shiny car is the same box that gets you from point A to point B, and you keep it parked for 95% of the time – but now is more expensive. And if you eat the food based on how it tastes and don’t think much about your health, you end up fat and with diabetes. On top of that your holidays and happy moments will only be that on your Instagram if you chase the exotic more than you chase the good time spent with your loved ones.

To drive a Lamborghini, fuck a supermodel, get your hands on the latest tech, go to exotic places, have expensive clothes and branded watches, feels enticing especially in our shallow consuming driven society, but in time you realize these things are momentary fun experiences and many times empty ones for that matter. Almost like a magic trick. I think sexual temptation is a hell of a feeling and is created by our consuming society in part or a lot (sex sells and that changes values), but so is the temptation for other exciting things, and we know very well that if you do not have control over this temptation, you may end up a sort of junkie that gets to tastes from all and each, something that gets tasteless quite fast. We all try to put our temptations on a leash, else our lives would be a mess. Some are better at this than others. It all matters “what gives”. Is it worth fucking a random guy and get the thrill of it at the expense of a long term relationship with another human? Is it worth eating fast food because is fast and tasty, at the expenses of your health? Is it worth spending so much money on an expensive car at the expense of using that money to have more stability in life? For some people is worth it. For some is not.

And so is with long term relationships when people decide to find more attractive and fun lives/partners somewhere else (the new), instead of finding that excitement and happiness in their long term relationship.

So to me love is this deep feeling of care and respect for someone, that survives the test of time and problems. And when you have love you can also achieve fun. But when you have fun, is going to be a lot of work to achieve love. Because love comes with time and a lot of challenges.

So the word love is shallow the way is used by many people (I think), unless it stands for something deep that keeps a relationship working and thriving.

Now that song 🙂

2 weeks ago Sasha came back from her Iceland solo hiking and told me she hooked up with a guy there, and is not about him or anyone, but she wants us to break up because she found happiness in her solo adventures. There were no warning sings this would happen, at least not now or this way. For the past months we had quite a good relationship, even when she was in Iceland as I will explain.

I felt like falling into a sinkhole mentally. I felt like suffocating. First days were awful for me. I cried, something I don’t remember doing for decades now, I had some panic attacks, I felt like I have no direction. Is like being trapped in a cave that became so narrow and dark, and your way back is blocked by big chunks of rocks that just fell behind you. You feel like you are fucked. That’s it!

Since then I had days when I felt ok. And I thought is a progression towards getting over it. But a few days ago I again felt trapped in this dark and narrow cave with no way out.

How come we ended up here with this relationship and how come I am in such a terrible mental state?

I am different, abnormal, unadaptable to this society.

Since highschool I started to see the world differently, very much so, from the rest. I started to realize how humans live in an imaginary world of religion, money, jobs, statuses, borders, etc.. And I took this seriously.

I started to write on my blog about it and eventually made the TROM Documentary. 14h long. About why this society sucks and what we could do about to fix it.

This is me working on the TROM Documentary in 2011:

These years I felt very motivated because there were projects like TVP or TZM, followed by hundreds of thousands of people. And these projects were pretty much on the same path as my “weird” worldview. I was living with my parents and my sister. No friends. No girlfriend – actually I do not think I had any girlfriend in that sense, ever. I had that “oh I’d love to also have such a relationship” feeling in the back of my mind. But I was so focused on my online activism.

I found my tribe and then I was dumped by it.

I teamed up with TVP and I felt so happy because I was not alone. Thousands of people were working in the same direction. I was getting enough financial support for the first time in my life, to allow me to move in my own rented apartment.

I put my soul into these projects.

I was INSANE! I was watching so many documentaries, reading, writing, producing….you have no clue. I worked from the moment I woke up till I went late at night to bed. People who knew me online were shocked I am one guy doing all of these.

2015ish in my first rented apartment with my parents and my sister:

I worked so much producing the TVP Magazine, the official Venus Project Magazine, that at times I had to fill up the bathtub with warm water and put myself underneath it with a snorkeling tube. On my back looking at the ceiling from under the water. It was just too much work and that made me feel relaxed.

Anyway, reached many people, lots of engagement, comments, feedback, financial support.

Then it all DIED.

My relationship with TVP went very cold and I can only blame them and Roxanne. We broke up and I detailed that in my blog post here. Basically Roxanne surprised me one day and told me she wants us to split ways because the Magazine is basically mine and I do my own thing there not listening to her. Please read the post as this is pure insanity. I was the most collaborative person and had a lot of patience and listened. This is why it was such a shock to me when Roxanne said what she said, since I had a good relationship with her and the TVP teams….

But there is a pattern that you will see repeat in my life: Roxanne and TVP did indeed do some weird things like not putting the magazine on their main website, not talking about it, and so on. Ignoring me and the magazine, while at the same time in private telling me how great the project is and that I do a fantastic job….

I guess people are very bad at communicating their true thoughts and they let things be dragged on in confusion and suffering. The breakup was hard for me, since I was always open to fix the things that do not work, if there were any. After all TVP was bragging about how communication is key to solve our differences, and yet they behaved like any other emotional human entity from this society. TRUE DISAPPOINTMENT!

I felt so lost..

After so many years of putting so much effort into building something together with TVP, so many written pages, I redesigned their entire website, so much effort…and is all being thrown into the garbage bin from their perspective. Just like that.

This was also a time when most such activism projects were about to die quickly. The trade society is too insane and infertile for good and radical projects emerge and then grow.

I remember I felt like suffocating not knowing where to go next since my whole identity was this online Tio who is a name attached to so many projects and content for TVP. I had many online contacts, but my offline life was the same. Moved back with my parents since I could not afford to support myself financially.

All of this time my sister was my closest ally. She is the only one who knows these things. She got excited and depressed with me :D. Helped me a lot to talk to her about this situation.

I rebooted myself.

So it was I and my sister basically, going for walks in a small town in the north of spain, bitching about the world and thinking about new ideas, projects….what to do. But wtill no friends, still nothing changed in my offline life.

Somehow I managed to reboot myself. Took all of the TVP Magazine articles and transformed them into TROM Books. It was all about TROM now. I went through a bit of hell mentally to detach from TVP, but after a year or two I felt great to have my own shit on my own website, no one to stop me from being me.

I wrote more for TROM and did a bunch of new projects for it with a bunch of new people.

Eventually we made our first TROM Meeting and till now this is the most fantastic moment of my life, when people I worked with came to visit me in my little town.

I felt like something important may happen now.

Meet Sasha.

There was a girl who was interested in my work and contacted me. She had an interesting website. I was curious to browse through her content. She was traveling around the world with just her backpack for so many years. That was impressive. But what was surprising and impressive for me was that she was aware of me and TROM. And she was impressed by my work, my books, me?! She was also heavily involved with TVP back then as a point of contact for their biggest team, the Russian team. I was impressed by her values and drive.

Sasha organized some english learning classes/meetups in Russia where she would use TROM as a way to both teach english to some people and present the project. I also love this presentation of her life and TROM from 8 years ago. I saw this video back then and I was so curious about this girl. Wow, someone who understood these things and is so involved and wants to tell others about it all?! Fuck! That’s amazing. Honestly I want to meet that Sasha now!

She would do some livestreams called TROM Discussions where they would take bits of the TROM Documentary and discuss. I remember one time I was at the beach watching live and I felt so happy to see that.

She and I got in contact somehow and kept in touch over email.

I was working so hard on a core book that would redefine the TROM Project. The Origin of Most Problems. And I remember I did not have enough money to stay alone in the winter in Spain, because every year my family would go back to Romania for the 2-3 months holiday time and I usually would be dragged along, having no money to pay for the electricity, food, etc. in Spain. So this amazing Sasha sends me some 1.000 dollars to be able to stay and finish the book. I was mind blown. Even now I get goosebumps. My god this girl is something. I thanked her so much, especially since she didn’t have much money at all.

Thank you Sasha! Truly!

Since this Sasha was also part of TROM now, I of course invited her for the meetup.

She came. She fell in love with me and she was very…how to say….inserting herself quickly into my life. I was going through some health issues back then and overwhelmed by meeting so many like minded people. So I do not remember how we ended up together. Maybe she drugged me idk :)).

Truth is I was not attracted to Sasha physically. I was attracted to her as a person. To her mind. But I knew that physical attraction is something that changes and is learned from the environment. Truth is I saw these things different by that time. Not like “wow a hot chick”, but I looked at the person first. I have such a strong allergy to normal people that I cannot have a relationship even with the most beautiful human female on the planet because I detest so much the normal values of people.

I am so “abnormal” that even if a cashier/seller tries to get friendly with me in this town I lived for so long, because they see me often going to this shop, I then avoid going there. Idk man…I just don’t like people. I feel like almost all are crazy motheruckers living in their own fantasy land and I feel uncomfortable around them.

This is why this TROM Meeting was such a fantastic thing for me!

And now that Sasha inserted herself into my life I thought this is beyond fantastic and I have to make sure this relationship works. I started to care a lot about her and see her as cute, sexy, beautiful too. It worked! Of course. But I had to use my brain and not my hormones as a starter, in order to have a fully satisfying relationship, both mentally and hormonally/emotionally.

Sasha, I and my best friend Aaron decided to rent an apartment together. It was easier for us financially and we wanted to try a new life.

Sasha also wanted to finish a book about her life so she needed to stay in one place for a bit longer. I was wondering….this Sasha is so amazing and involved with these projects, but her lifestyle….is so wild compared to mine. I thought she won’t stay here for long…

But I wanted to try something new and this was an opportunity I thought I will never have.

A disjointed but great 7 years relationship.

We went through a lot. A few weeks after we moved together Sasha had to go to UK for 3 months because her Visa would expire. In the following years it was a mix of trying to deal with the papers for Sasha to be able to stay in Europe (we even got married), to her struggles to finish her book. I remember she went through a lot of awful moments mentally not finding the motivation to finish the book. I was always there to help her motivationally and with anything she needed help with. I even rebuilt/redesigned her entire website.

I cared so much about her and this relationship that I was ready to do all I can do make it work, despite being reminded at times by Sasha that she may not like this lifestyle when she complained and said she feels like in a prison in this little town. I felt maybe this was a result of her struggles with the book too, not just a dissatisfaction with “this” lifestyle, although I understood her previous lifestyle was widely different.

So whenever she said that I seriously told her that if she really wants that lifestyle back I will be very depressed about ending up our relationship BUT I will help her move on….and we have to help each other move on. Be smart, let’s do it sanely.

However things moved on, she worked on the book, a bunch of friends visited us, we had a kayak, learned to cook paella, we had a very good relationship overall I would say. Actually people looked at us and thought we are the perfect couple.

A bunch of “TROM friends” moved in the same town but nothing really fructified…idk why really. I was always busy and engaged but is not easy to build stuff together. I was very open to making videos, some events, etc.., but idk what did not work.

People are different, have different lives, want different things…idk. These friends left.

2020 I felt the most hopeful.

2020 was the pandemic. For most peopke it was an awful time, for me it was a great time. Of course not the deaths and all of that, but the fact that things were calmer and I started to also work on TROM II. Sasha helped a lot with the recordings and when I had to record her she was fantastic. A true powerhouse! She also helped with making the captions after the release. At the same time she was still working on her book.

Took me 3 years to finish the documentary. We were talking about who can release first, she her book or me the documentary. But for me this was a magic time when we both were very active and engaged with our projects and each other.

Moving with my parents.

In 2021 I and Sasha decided to move with my parents because we had little money and we wanted to also save to buy a motorhome. It was an idea we both talked about because a motorhome = cheap house + adventures + stability.

Sasha wanted to go hike for 2 months in the Pyrenees to think about her book and finally finish it.

I went with her for the first 3 days as we planned :). Truth is for me is not easy to do these hikes even for a few days. This is Sasha’s world…but I wanted to try it…

I felt sad when we split after those 3 days because by this time I was getting very attached to Sasha. Before her I was emotionally sealed. But she unsealed me. I learned how great is to hug, cuddle, kiss, have someone so close to you. So I felt a deep sadness when we split ways and she went by herself through the mountains. First time I truly felt that for someone.

I supported her fully and was excited for her. We kept in touch, she would send me photos, info, etc..

I was so happy to meet with her again when she came back.

In this meantime I was working on the documentary.

Sasha had to work.

In 2022 Sasha found a summer job in diving in this town we lived in. We needed money. Unfortunately.

But she also found new friends. Very good people! And she even pushed me to get my diving license. Experiencing that was mindbllowing for me and I crave for diving again with her….I really do!

Thank you Sasha!

Fuck I miss that 😀

But this half a year work also changed Sasha and us.

In these years Sasha had to work for 6 or more months a year in diving. I felt so bad that she has to do this…those months she was so tired. She was not her anymore. We had no relationship when she worked. We barely saw each other.

I tried to help with whatever I could. I always tried to make sure she has food to eat, cold water to drink, I was there when she came for the break, even opening the gates for her :D. I felt so guilty that she has to work. I talked to her several times about what we can do to support ourselves financially without having to go through this, or come back to a certain place. My ideas like she could help me find more websites to make, were not something she would like. Truth is she also enjoyed diving. Also the people she worked with. So it was not just work, but also the experience of diving and friends.

But we were pushed and pulled between Sasha’s job, paperwork about her residency, lack of money, and staying with my parents. At times friends visited us, even Sasha’s mom with who I got along so well. Such a nice human. I liked that Sasha’s parents were not, you know, the kind that you have to “put up with” and go meet and feel uncomfortable. Were the opposite. I never met her father directly but we said Hi through Sasha and a few times via a video call. Good people!

These years there were some tensions between us but nothing unusual for any relationship. Sasha still craved from time to time about her previous backpacking lifestyle…but I was always telling her if she really wants that we should talk and deal with it like sane humans.

I released TROM II in 2023 and…

That same period of time I finally released TROM II. I was so happy with the end result. It is the most difficult project I ever made. But….it got no traction…yes I got some amazing feedback from my closest friends, but other than that almost no one watched it. I put so much effort into it – perhaps I burned myself out…and now no impact, I felt like trapped in a blackhole of depression.

We had another TROM Meeting in 2023:

It was really cool. Got me a bit out of my depressive mood. I so love these moments! This is my tribe! And I am sure Sasha also feels the same. We all cared about each other and were decent humans with each other.

But Sasha had to go work again after the meetup was over.

I went to Prague to give a talk at the last TZM Meeting event.

I felt amazing there. For the first time I was “out there” with my ideas. I worked for weeks on that presentation and I think it went really well.

But then I come back….Sasha is working, we have little money, but we were doing our best to save for the motorhome.

I was doing my driving license classes. We were busy as always.

But here’s the thing…for me at least this was part of a relationship and we were still together, a team, I and Sasha, and we were trying to do something together. Despite the struggles, shitty lifestyle, at least I felt like there is a path forward….let’s get the motorhome, let’s not have to come back here and you to work, let’s release your book, let’s…together.

But I started to feel like Sasha lost her affection towards me…I felt like we distanced. At times I too lost that towards her, but I always fixed it internally.

Sasha’s book.

Sasha managed to release her book in 2024. Took a LOT longer than she or anyone else expected. 5 years! I am telling you, and Sasha knows this too well, this book challenged our relationship a lot. Sasha went through a lot of ups and downs, and so many times I was there to help her. At some point because she dragged on things I found irrelevant (going through thousands of fonts for months to pick one) I felt like I was ready to let go of this relationship because I felt too stressed. It is so hard to explain but trust me it was BAD.

I helped her to design the cover and that too was a lot of stress.

I didn’t like that she would let silly things like font types or some small design changes make our relationship stressful. I told her semi-jokingly if she does not release the book by a certain date I will break up with her. Because honestly it was hard. BUT I always opened these discussions with Sasha to try and find a solution. I am always like that: talk talk talk.

This was a period of time when idk if I had any attraction to Sasha anymore, I struggled myself too with my own problems, I wanted something else. BUT I used my brain again and realized that these situations will pass and I have to be the strong one now and support her.

And so I did!

I would have never abandoned Sasha when she was at her most vulnerable moment!

FINALLY in 2024 Sasha released her book!

We threw a surprise party for her. We all loved Sasha. My mother felt like Sasha was her daughter. My sister had a huge respect and appreciation for her and would “brag” about her to her friends.

But after the book release Sasha felt burned out…she also worked again in diving. No time to focus on promoting the book.

The book was fantastic!

She did an amazing job. She also talked about TROM and me in the book and that felt like an honor to me. And she even ended the book with me.

All of her 15 years of adventures, and I was her last one in her book. I felt a bit worried because I did not know if she really meant that. I hoped she did. I was also very moved by it. I shed some tears at the end of reading that book.

She gave me a copy with a wonderful hand written text at the end of it. She thanked me for the help with the book, the inspiration in her life, and said the book is her way to fight with me. Against this system. It is us, a team now. Something like that. I really hoped she meant that, but by that time I felt like perhaps she was not fully feeling that way.

But again not much happened after. We both felt burned out I guess. Tired.

We sorted Sasha’s residency. We released our projects. We were saving money for the motorhome. We did another TROM Meetup:

Sasha had to work this period of time so she could not spend too much time with us…it sucked. But still amazing to meet all of these people!

I am telling you, Sasha working for so long had a huge impact on our relationship. I think we could have found a better way to make money if we both cared about saving and improving the relationship. In all relationships such struggles exist. On top of this going here, there, papers, money, then Sasha’s 5 year work on the book and my 3 year work on the documentary pushed us more and more apart simply because we did not have time for “us”.

Season this with Sasha’s nostalgia about her backpacking life and the death of my hope with the projects I was doing, and it is a disaster.

Motorhome!

This is november 2024. I kept myself busy with searching for a motorhome that year. It was my hope that we can finally put all of our problems, or most of them, behind and try this new lifestyle.

We managed to save money, my parents and some friends helped us financially too, and we bought it.

What followed was almost 2 years of not even trying I feel.

I was trying to keep myself excited about the motorhome. Sasha was not as excited. I wanted to work on it for a few weeks at least – is normal, is an old motorhome. Sasha almost always hated when I said we have to do that…but to me it was about working for us, for our little home, for our relationship in the end.

But she did help a lot with it eventually. And she always came with me to check motorhomes and stuff.

For me living in the motorhome was a big challenge. I am used to infinite power, infinite internet, to work on TROM and the like. I am easily bothered by sounds and I love stability in terms of comfort. And now, limited power, limited internet, and not knowing where you park, where you sleep..if it is noisy or what not…for me it was a wild life.

Consider that I always had issues with my digestive system so it is hard for me to figure what to eat, when….

I was not in my best mood at times but we managed to stay in the motorhome around Estartit for a few weeks because we had to leave in December.

We went to Romania with my parents’ car that they bought from Spain and with their stuff that was in Spain since they finally retired. For me too it was a sad period of time to see my parents leave…after almost 2 decades of staying together in Spain.

I and Sasha drove 2.500km to Romania with their car. Not easy. Especially since I just got my driving license. We stayed in Airbnb’s and it took us a few days to arrive in Romania. Only one time we fought over some stuff…else we managed it.

I have to pause here a bit.

Very few people understand my digestive issues and how they impact my life. Many foods make me sick. Sometimes they can trigger an explosive diarrhea in me and is as bad as it sounds, I can’t explain it other way. And I feel sick for days after. This has created traumas for me since several times I almost shit myself, and when I was a kid it happened at least 1 time. It is awful and idk when it can happen. So I need to be careful with what I eat and where I am. Plus I really am scared to eat out…I developed a trauma. Not to mention the many times I feel pain because of these issues….and discomfort. So even driving to Romania was a big challenge for me and the fight we had was because of my digestive issues – I became irritated.

So it is not an easy life for me. Sasha always helped me and she understood me. I thank her so much for that! And I am sorry that because of my issues I was not at all eager to “go out” have a drink and eat something…

I was in Romania. Sasha only stayed a week or so. Her plan was to go to Russia to see her family. I was happy for her since she rarely gets to see them.

We met in late January 2025 in Spain to FINALLY go out with the motorhome!

For a few weeks we stayed in Estartit to do more work on the motorhome. A cousin of Sasha also visited us. We spent some time with some friends there too (Sasha’s coworkers from diving).

17th of February we left!

We were going to the South of Spain to meet with some friends. Another “TROM” meeting, this time not in “my town”. Excited. But also we rushed because of that.

We traveled for 3 months and we saw some amazing places:

I think Sasha also enjoyed it a lot. It is true at times it was hard for us. Especially for me I feel like because I was so not used to this lifestyle and I also just got my driving license. But hey…is normal!

I also made a mistake: I was filming our new lifestyle and that is not a good idea. I was inspired by others who do that, and I thought I’d like to inspire others too, plus provide tips for how to live in this way. But I (and sometimes Sasha too) ended up filming too much at times. And then I ended up with a pile of recordings that I felt obliged to transform into videos. A bunch of times I’d spend hours in the motorhome editing them while Sasha was out and about, climbing some mountains. I should have gone out too.

I will continue to make videos but mostly about tips and such, not to film everywhere I go. This is a bad idea.

At times I felt pushed, pulled, or dragged by Sasha. We both had an extreme lifestyle that we kinda craved for. She wants to climb mountains, be active, go go go…she is so damn active :). Idk how anyone can keep up with her. So she wanted to go visit too many places I felt, and then go go go more! She hated to be the motorhome much. When we arrived at some place she would get out right away, while I was a bit tired and wanted to take it slower.

I am also extreme. I can spend days inside the motorhome working on my computer and be fine. I want my time to read, write, watch, make projects, absorb information.

So our worlds were so apart it was hard to make it work that well. Despite that most of the time we had a great time, also considering these were our first 3 months living this lifestyle that for me was wildly new.

Unfortunately we had to go back before the end of May because Sasha had to work again in diving in Estartit. We were running low on money.

This thing fucked up our relationship. We should have honestly found a different way to make money. At least talk about that…Sasha never really wanted to talk about other options. I am all ready to compromise, sacrifice, in my limits ofc, to make money and support our relationship. I was also working on some commercial websites that I hate, just to make money that period of time.

We were both making compromises. But to me it was worth it in order to build a good/solid relationship and make our lives better.

Same story goes…Sasha works in diving for several months. I go to Romania help my parents with some stuff. I and Sasha do not see each other much. I come back and my father has some serious health issues. Was a lot of stress.

Was this time when I sat down in bed with Sasha, feeling that we grew more apart these months, and asked her what would be your ideal life. She hesitated so I started first. I said I dream of us being a team, work together on TROM like projects, create events, meet new people, volunteer, do important stuff. While at the same time travel with the motorhome and see amazing places, have a wonderful and happy life together.

Her ideal life was a dry: I would like to go solo hiking like before.

I asked if she sees me in her ideal life. It was another dry: no, sorry.

Perhaps that was the moment I should have insisted to end it all?! She for sure did not have the courage to go further with that. After all I was the one asking…trying to understand what is happening with us…and I was also destroyed by these health issues with my father. I was tired, mentally and physically.

So idk what happened next…but things moved on. I thought maybe she just said that now when is this difficult period of time with her working…but from that moment on I tried to prepare myself to distance from her emotionally. Tho I did not manage it very well. Is hard when you still live together….

I told her that. It was soul crushing for me to see that her dream life is only about her.

It is what it is.

You know…yes Sasha from the beginning said she craves for her past lifestyle. She also worked in diving and sacrificed for us. She went from traveling with her backpack around the world to staying with me in Estartit for 5 years. Yes it was so difficult and different for her.

But you know what:

• Sasha came to me….she forced herself into my life. She knew I was not like a hiker…I was the opposite. The Sasha I met was the Sasha from that video I linked at the beginning.
• We met because of TROM. I liked her activism brain first. She lost that quite fast and became uninterested in these projects. You think is easy for me to see this?! I was destroyed…
• My life also changed a lot. I never lived with another human in this kind of relationship. I also had to sacrifice for her to get the papers by all means to get the residency. To put up with her very depressed states when she was working on her book….not to mention the motorohme life was very tough for me to adapt to….Also TROM…had to put on hold projects and such, just because I prioritized this relationship.
• Why didn’t she try to fix our relationship like I did when I struggled with the attraction towards her, with her book, with so many things…I always tried to fix these issues and communicate. She not so much. At least don’t drag me into this relationship if you are not happy.
• Also, let’s find a better way to make money so we don’t fuck up this relationship…why not even consider!?

Since that moment I didn’t feel like Sasha is someone who cares much about me. In my head Sasha was with me temporarily until she leaves to go back to her backpacking lifestyle.

I was kinda crushed…

I also had some health issues. Then motivational struggles. Then problems with my father. Not a good period of time.

I went to travel with the motorhome on my own while Sasha kept working in diving…

At times I felt very lonely…but I still had Sasha no?! Maybe after this working season is done we can say “fuck this diving job” and go have a life, try it, see if it works or not. Despite all she said…

Told her that if she really wants to go have her backpacking life back please tell me and let’s do it nicely. I told her that many times over the years. She never followed this discussion….So that left me with nowhere to go…I cared about her, I wanted for us to stay together…what should I have done? I gave her the opportunity to at least talk more about breaking up, but she never took it. So maybe I thought she is not that serious about it…idk…momentary frustration that will pass.

I was trying my best to reboot myself. Working on a big and important article. Trying to release a new TROM project, content based, a first in years. It was an important moment for me to try and find myself again.

You see for the past year I told Sasha several times I am not doing well mentally. I felt lost for the first time in my life. Totally lost. I felt like all of these important things I talked about since 2007 have 0 impact. The many hours of documentaries I made, thousands of written pages, many projects… Even for the few close people who agreed with them….they are all sucked into the system. Including Sasha! I was so destroyed to see Sasha go from this witty engaged human who wants to talk about these projects and the problems we have in our society and solutions to these, to become mostly a passive divemaster for the season…and it was hard for her too, to see this happening. But she never asked for help or opened up herself about these…maybe I could have helped. I wanted to and perhaps I still want to. Because she has a tremendous brain full of interesting ideas that she should use and be more than just a divemaster or a hiker. Nothing bad with these, but the powerful Sasha, in my view, is the one who I saw in TROM II, or in that video presentation, or on her blog, or in her book!

So I felt like is just me for the past years trying to keep TROM afloat….

Anyway. Bad bad months.

I came back in Estartit mid October 2025. I was still super happy to see her.

She was still kinda busy….She finished in November.

Because of some more paperwork stuff we had to stay around Estartit till mid December.

I remember one thing bothered me a lot. A friend of hers, a coworker from diving, asked Sasha if she can go feed their dog while they are in vacation for a few days. I was ok with that for a few days. The guy is also my friend. He said we can stay at their apartment too if we want. Sasha said yes…but days became a week…

Instead of us going together to travel, we had to stay longer in Estartit. Sasha would have to go visit her mom in late January so we didn’t have much time for us, again…choosing to stay longer in Estartit bothered me and I told her. In the beginning I was ok since she said 2-3 days, but a week….

Also she was a lot more comfortable staying in their apartment while I was in the motorhome parked closed by. For me the motorhome is the coziest place…our home…but not for Sasha. I am also weird and I hate to stay in people’s homes. I am not used to that. It is on me.

But basically what relationship is this?

And also bothered me because if we were to stay in Estartit for my own reasons, say my sister needed help with something, delaying our travels, Sasha would have been so pissed off.

Anyway…these small things are perhaps a sign of a bigger problem.

Sasha got food poisoning when staying there and I forgot about all of this. I rushed to help. Anything she needed…a massage, go buy stuff…anything I was there for her. I mention all of this as an example that regardless if I was annoyed at her decisions, I was always there for her.

2026 when it all ruptured.

We went to travel again, second time in a year. We had a few weeks to go to the South of Spain again, meet some friends, then take Sasha to the airport.

In fact we spent some nice time together..

But as always in a rush…

I did feel many times like Sasha has her shoes and jacket on and ready to leave. As if she is not here with me for the long term….she went to US to see her mom and had a great time there. I was really happy for her.

Whenever she was abroad we talked a lot and I felt like we had a great relationship.

The plan was for her to stay there for a month then come back and in May to go for 2 months to Iceland for a solo trip…

Iceland. Where it all froze.

She told me months prior to this that she would love to do this trip if that would be ok with me. As always I wanted for her to be happy so I supported her fully.

After all I wrote even I get to see more clearly now that this was a bad sign. I mean we already spent almost no time together for the past 2 or so years or more…and what she wanted so badly was not to spend time together, go visit some cool places, get involved with the kind of work that brought us together….no…she wanted something for herself. I feel like an idiot now to be honest…and she should not have dragged me into this.

If she was so not liking our life together, tell me! But what now…you also stay with me while you plan for your trip. I am your support buddy…your little fan excited for you. While you only do this for yourself…looks terrible and sad for me.

But anyway, I supported her.

She came back from the states. Idk if I felt like Sasha was excited to see me for the past 2 or so years. But I was open to end the relationship if she was vocal about that…and I tried to get something out of her. But she just dragged it…maybe she was confused and didn’t know how to approach it.

Because of her cold attitude and some stress that is at times normal when you live in such a small space, and our different lifestyles with me feeling dragged by her, when she left for the states I felt sadness but also a sort of feeling relaxed….like oh now I can take it slowly, write stuff, read stuff, focus on my projects…not having to ALWAYS go somewhere.

That is another bad sign for the relationship.

She was happy and excited, but only for her trip. She was organizing it all….I mean look, our relationship aside, you can tell this is what made her happy….I was equally happy when I went to Prague for the TZM event….but I was always happy in the context of the relationship. Sasha always mattered for me. If I were to somehow have the chance to go do more such events that I love (my thing) I would always include Sasha somehow. And always care about her….I honestly felt like a side thing all of this time when Sasha was organizing her trip.

I felt deep down that this trip may make her finally decide she wants to leave…but it was just a thought that crossed my mind.

One last time with the motorhome.

Before leaving to Iceland we decided to go for one more month together with the motorhome. And honestly it was quite wonderful…

So you see..despite problems we still could get along. Find a way to be happy. Look, ALL relationships that are a few years old at least, will struggle at times. IT IS NORMAL! The key is to support each other and make it work.

For fucks sake there are war journalists who go for months at a time to conflict zones and their partner is “at home” and they make it work. Or professional athletes, or whatever. It all matters if you WANT to take care of this relationship and make it work. And I did. A lot. I was always ready to make compromises, to support Sasha if she wanted to solo travel for some time, to adapt, to COMMUNICATE! After all, I felt no physical attraction to Sasha when we met…but I decided this relationship is so important I want to “grow it”. And I did!

These months I still struggled with my depression and especially some health issues that were making me concerned. Won’t go into details but lower abdominal and groin pain for a year or so…I was in pain. Not fun for me…

I took Sasha to the airport so she can start her Iceland trip.

The trip.

It is hard to say how much I supported her with this trip and how excited I was for her. Genuinely.

Mind you when she left we were on very good terms…all lovely and nice.

First month she stayed with a family (workaway). We talked daily. At times for hours. She would share a lot with me. I tried not to bother her at all, let her have her solo adventures. But it was her many times who contacted me. And I enjoyed that.

I was staying in Estartit because of my health issues but also because my sister needed me, so I was helping her.

After staying with that family Sasha went for her true solo traveling in Iceland. Exciting!

She was again sharing with me photos, videos, info…I loved it and I was so happy about her.

This is impossible for people to fully get, but if I were to share our Signal conversation for the entire Iceland trip you would say our relationship was great. She even said 2-3 times that maybe we can take the motorhome to Iceland. I was actually surprised to see her care about sharing stuff with me, even thinking of new adventures for us.

In my mind I hoped maybe this adventure made her realize that she can do these but also have a relationship with me. So we can continue like that…

The bad day.

I started to feel like we could have a real chance to truly try this motorhome lifestyle and become happier after her trip. I was taking care of my health more closely, my parents were ok finally, I managed to “get my brain back” via the new TROM project, I got a lot of experience in terms of living in a motorhome and getting used to it; even managing it financially myself relying only on donations. Sasha was charging up by doing her Icelanding solo adventures. We have planned a wonderful meetup coming in August for the eclipse with our most wonderful friends…

I was looking to buy 2 bikes and a bike rack so we can also bike when we go places. This year should have been the last Sasha would have worked in diving in Estartit. I didn’t film anymore our “adventures” and I focused on practical videos, so that won’t bother us.

I wanted to be a lot more physically active so I was planning to go out with Sasha more, and not be a motorhome snail.

I felt like now is the perfect time to give this life a true GO. Was dreaming about the Fjords in Norway, Dolomites in Italy, or other places to go with the motorhome….

But now…

Basically Sasha came back from her Icelandic trip and the same day she told me she hooked up with a guy (just a one time thing) and she realized she loves that freedom to go travel alone, meet new people, etc..

I felt like a piece of the Moon fell on my head. It was late at night when she told me and after an entire day when she seemed a bit cold but at times happy about her Icelandic trip. How can you laugh and tell us fun stories when you know later on you will end a 7 year old relationship…and you also cheated on me? Was very trippy for me the entire thing. That entire day. Totally unexpected.

I never felt more betrayed, scammed, fooled….and deeply disappointed. I will never fully get over this. I cried the first 2 days, and I didn’t even know how to do that since I don’t remember last time I cried. I felt emotionally destroyed. I felt like chocking and suffocating.

Luckily I have the best friends on Earth, and especially my sister who helped me so much. I stayed at her place for a few days. I just could not get back into the motorhome without feeling like suffocating.

The past year was truly difficult for me. Many health issues…with my father (he had 3 strokes), with me (unexplained abdominal pain and back pain for over a year), with my sister. I was also struggling motivationally to “reboot” myself. So Sasha caught me in one of my weakest moments. This is why I was so destroyed. Yes I was about to “get out” of these problems exactly when she came. Like literally I planned to release the TROM project the day after she would arrive….So I was in a deep black hole, then I felt like I found a way out (but still dragging trauma with me), and exactly when I was about to get out a bit, Sasha slapped me with this horrible news.

Is been 2 weeks since that awful event. The health issues are not as much of an issue now for me or my family. I managed to release a new TROM Project that is content based. A first in years.

I had a long discussion with Sasha last week. She cried a lot all of this time since it happened. She feels so guilty and understands she took some absolutely shitty decisions. She gets it. After the conversation I understood even more how Sasha has been terrible at communicating with me her struggles and frustrations in our relationship. I always communicated with her and I had the impression that she is capable enough to be able to communicate back. But I remember many times she could not handle us communicating over important issues. She would cry. This is something she needs to fix else she will fuck herself up in any relationship, and the other one(s) too. She already messed me up.

Despite me being better now, at times I feel 100% lost and no will to live. All is dark and I am so sad and frustrated at all of this.

All of our struggles, cuddles and adventures…all to be gone just like that…so stupid!! so so stupid!

Sasha had a week, at least, to prepare for this. I had no second. There was no indication this is imminent and definitely not in this way. Sasha was in a position of advantage where she found a new path in life that makes her happy. She has that. I have none. She should have been wise about it and come help me a bit, to maybe find a path myself. Talk to me. Do not cheat ffs. Hold yourself for one more week so you don’t fuck up 7 years.

Looking back at our relationship I think we are 2 extreme people. I love doing computer work, activism, write, read, make projects and get involved. The world makes me furious and curious. She loves to go solo hiking, meet new people, see amazing places, make videos about that, or blogs or books.

I do not know if this would ever have worked. But I do feel like Sasha did not give the relation a serious try, to communicate with me when she was unhappy, to try fix things, to prioritize us. I am sure that if both people want to keep this relationship and make it work, and these people are smart, they can find ways even for their extreme lifestyles. We are not unique in that sense. We could have traveled with the motorhome to some cool places where Sasha would like to also hike for a few weeks if she wanted to, and we would meet somewhere else aftter. In this time I could work on TROM without being bothered.

We could spend the rest of the time finding new ways to spice up our relationship, do new things, create events that revolve around TROM-like ideas, meet new people, volunteer, do important stuff.

So we can both have a wonderful life together. Especially since is hard by yourself in this system. Financially, emotionally, physically. Being together is very helpful. The older you get, the more important these deep relationships became.

So: What do I do with myself?

I have no answer to that. I have theories like what I should do, but in practice is hard. I will update this part whenever I am able to do something with myself. For now I suffer. I cannot sleep much. I feel a deep sadness almost like a cold that does not go away.

I wish I can share my life with someone who wants to be active in this way and we can work together on projects and events, but also go see cool places and have a wonderful life together. And care about each other. I learned to care about this girl Sasha and to like her, and I created a strong bound with her, because I used my brain and not my hormones. But the trauma, the fact that I trusted her so much and she cheated on me in many ways, will make me not want to trust any relationship 100%. Something broke inside of me. Perhaps being alone is better…perhaps….

Maybe I will meet someone, but maybe I do not need anyone.

I do not regret my life with Sasha. I learned and experienced new things. But at times I wonder…is it better to learn to “love” and care about someone so deeply, to experience that, and then be cheated like I was and be devastated? Almost like climbing a tall mountain and have a crushing crash….Or is better to be alone and never have experienced such “love” and feelings in the first place? When I was alone, no one could have hurt me in this way. And I really liked that.

And just to mention this, for me the real cheating was not her sleeping with whatever ice climbing guide in Iceland, after a few beers and some wine. For me the real cheating is her staying in this relationship with me for years and not telling me if she was frustrated or sad or unhappy. The fact that she did not try to either fix the relationship or move apart in a friendly way. That is far worse. Years of cheating, giving me false ideas and hopes. After all when Sasha came to meet me and she had a huge crush on me, and me not feeling any physical attraction to her, I decided to not crush her feelings, to the contrary, to learn how to like and love her. She does not have to do the same, not at all, but to take a smart decision that won’t destroy me and create a life long trauma.

I do not hate her. And I hope she will be ok and happy. I would suffer if she were to suffer. But she has to understand she made me not trust any relationship fully, or have much hope in humans overall. Idk if she ever experienced this and I hope she won’t. Honestly.

There is not one day that I do not think about what Sasha did to me, after I have been so kind and helpful and loving to her. But is something I get to accept instead of ignoring. I guess most people go with their feelings and I am the weird one who thinks that is far more rewarding and smart to grow a relationship for the long term. I’d rather have a handful of friends and a partner for the rest of my life, together exploring and helping us and others, and have a great ride with a few people who “get you”, than have more and more friends, and relationships, that are not very deep or important. But again, that’s me. That’s what I prefer.

Life/time forces us all to continue. We suffer, we adapt, we change and accept. Some do not have the strength to let time deal with problems, so they shorten it. I will try to find strength, to focus on other things. But is going to be the toughest thing I ever did…

And is funny how Roxanne and TVP did the same to me. After a years-long relationship where I helped them a lot, and they gave me the impression that all is fine, they slap me with a: “Bye bye I want to break up because things were bad for the past months/years!” …. Whaat???

That’s what happens when you are unable to communicate. You hurt people tremendously by dragging them into a relationship that you yourself know is not working and you are not trying to fix it.

Dude but they left you crumbs to follow….being cold with you, ignoring you, not being excited by you…both TVP and Sasha….

I HATE when people do this and it is awful. Especially if you notice it and try to open the path towards communication with them. Build the bridge and ask them what is the problem. And them not following up….leaving things hanging….this is a terrible way of having any sort of relationship.

BAD.

After TVP broke up with me my life became a lot better. Well, you know, I even met Sasha. But it took a year or two. How will be my life now after Sasha broke up with me? I hope better, but right now I cannot see it.

I feel abandoned by my best friend. It will take time to adjust to a different lifestyle.

UPDATE 18.07.2026

Since I made this post I also met with Sasha to give her the last stuff she had in the motorhome. We talked for a few hours. Again a lot of emotional heaviness for both of us. She red this post. She says she did try to talk to me, but I think we both agree she did not do it too much or very well.

Anyway after we met I got to see how convinced she is that this relationship is dead basically. Not even because of her cheating, but because she got fully convinced she wants a different life. It is absolutely ridiculous and astonishing to me how we went from a great relationship for the past months, at least from my perspective and anyone else who could see it from “afar”, and the past 2 months of her in Iceland and us having some really nice discussions on Signal and even slight plans to go with the motorhome there, to DONE. THIS IS IT! Just like that. One hour is all it took for Sasha to put an end to it all.

I get it that she already fucked it up by hooking up with that guide, and she was confused for the past year or so about what she wants, and she also found happiness in solo hiking through Iceland….but man….imagine how it feels to me….your “loved one”, “your partner of 7 years”, to come to you and say is all done now. Bye bye. We said “I love u” and sent “cute emojis” on Signal just a week prior to this haha. This is insanity honestly. The more I think about it.

Anyway, I think I have all of the right in the world to be absolutely devastated and feel abandoned and lost.

Here’s another thing I want to emphasis for my future self who will read this article years from now, because I don’t want you to forget that: like I said my father had 3 strokes for the past year and we went through an emotional hell for many months. Every time my mother would call me I was thinking that’s it, he died, so I felt this lump in my throat answering the phone. The so may times we talked to her, and she was crying. Or seeing my father barely able to talk. This was a first time for us, to deal with such big issues. So I was emotionally traumatized for this part year. And I still am because my father is quite fragile now. Even an hour ago my mother called me and the internet signal was not great and I felt like she had watery eyes and could not understand what she wanted….had to call her back. All was fine, but I felt that feeling of terror again. Is normal….

So trust me when I say this: Sasha caught me in perhaps my most fragile mental states I had in perhaps 2 decades. Some days it is so hard for me, I cannot describe. I still hope I am somehow dreaming and I will wake up: Sasha comes back from Iceland and we have a decent relationship, and even if we are to break, we do so gently and in a friendly way. I feel like the Universe did a fuck up on me and is so unfair it should not exist. So I am waiting for a fix :D.

On the positive side I need to remind myself that Sasha was not that “into me” recently and I felt like I was to her just a friend, someone she knows, at best. Which is so sad to me. I need to let go of the past, but is not easy. Best is to keep myself focused on something else.

I started a Friends Friday Signal chat and each Friday we try to get together and talk to each other. Who are “we”? A bunch of people who know about TROM and in time started to orbit around the project. We got to know each other well, and now I’d like us to keep in touch more closely because we all need each other. The world is a weird place and is so easy to get sucked in and become normalized, to forget about the important things. We should try to keep ourselves afloat. That’s how I also met Sasha…and is the greatest regret of my life that it didn’t work out with her. I would have loved to have her there too…as a partner, as a friend, as Big World Small Sasha.

I really enjoyed our first meetup and the rest did too! We will do more and see where things go.

I will get ready for the eclipse the following days and will try to keep my relationship with the people I know, a bit more active.

I hope Sasha will be ok. She cried enough. And we will see if, in the future, we can become friends. It is damn hard to see this now.

Ok, I have to wake up from this eventually. It is either a bad dream and I wake up, or reality which I need to take a hold of and make it better.

Family problems.

For the past months life was not easy for me. Many health issues or concerns, mainly with my father that also affects my mother and us. He had another stroke a month or so ago. Had difficulty talking and moving his fingers. Now he has recovered more or less.

But the entire experience has traumatized us a bit especially since my parents retired and went back to Romania, where the healthcare system is a world apart from Spain, where they worked for the past 2 decades.

In Romania it is a hassle…especially in small towns. Understaffed hospitals, nurses that get their diplomas just by paying some money…very bad. You have to go to the private clinics that want to suck every penny out of you. Call this doctor, call this relative, call more people, make appointments…is a total disaster.

I cannot even start to explain to you.

But basically now my father has a ton of health issues that need to be managed with many pills and he walks a thin line between fainting often and having his kidneys destroyed, or having another stroke or a heart attack. My mother is a 24/7 caretaker for him and is very hard for her.

Anyway, this entire situation has a big impact on me since I feel sorry for my mother mostly. She has to deal with a lot. My father has some brain damage and maybe because of that he does not seem to be that affected by the entire situation.

My health problems.

I also had to deal with health issues. Lower right abdominal pain since June last year. Comes and goes, and feels kinda bad. A combo of someone twisting your right testicle + punching you in the gut + having a mild food poisoning. Not fun.

Luckily I have access to a very good and trade-free healthcare system here in Spain. But my problems seem complicated. They thought it is inguinal hernia. I was sent to the surgeon to be told it is not a hernia. I was sent to the urologist to check my testicles. Not much was found. Maybe is a muscle or bone issue. I will be sent to see a specialist but can take up to a year for that. I have another appointment with the hernia surgeon next month for more checkups…and I can insist to go to a gastroenterologist the following months.

I am fine I think. But all of this time I have also thought about what bad things I may have. What if I have cancer for example? That is a stressful thought. I think it is for sure something to do with a muscle/bone since I can kinda feel that when I do some movement, but it does not explain all of the pain I am having. Of course cancer is rare for my age, but cancer is also a deadly motherfucker. Honestly I do not seem to have any symptoms that point in that direction but I had these thoughts before I went for these checkups. I think it is normal to get worried about these things…

Currently I am not too stressed but it is something I had to deal with and still have to deal with….

Motivational problems.

It is already hard to motivate yourself in this shithole society to do anything good or interesting. I tried and tried and I will try more. I was fantasizing about buying this DJI Pocket 3 camera with a good mic and start to make videos for TROM.

My only camera is my Pixel 6a which is shit in low light and I was planning to film inside the motorhome at night when it is more quiet…

I watched pretty much every review about this little camera. I think because I also liked to be distracted by that to not think about my health issues or my parents…. But it seems like a really great and useful camera, tho I know is not the camera that matters, is to be motivated and do something that matters.

In any case I’d love to be able to transform the drafts I wrote recently into videos. We will see. I may make a donation campaign for that Pocket 3 to buy it second hand.

I did have some sparks of wonder these past days when I felt alive again planning some amazing videos, cool project ideas, etc.. Just like back in the days when I was active. It seems I still have that inside. That is good.

Money problems.

I have around 1.300€. Monthly I barely get around 380€ from donations a month and from Webape.site around 330€. I have to pay for our servers around 100-150€ a month and for Webape around 130€. Maybe I am left with 400 or so euros. Now try to live with that every month….

The savings I have are getting lower each month. I would like to have 1.000€ put aside in case something bad happens with the motorhome and needs fixing, since it is my only home.

The gas is now so expensive that it makes me not want to drive anywhere. Change the oil, filters, do the car inspection twice a year, insurance, etc…add up to quite a bit of money too.

Not fun.

But it is the best alternative for me, so it is what it is.

Luckily I share the costs with Sasha or at times she pays for these big expenses…else idk what I would do.

(we cleaned the trash again – feels good to see a nature place without garbage)

Future?

These days we will go for a little adventure somewhere in Spain around some mountains and lakes. In 2-3 weeks we will come back to Estartit. I have a doctor appointment and Sasha will go for a big adventure on her on in May and June. I am very happy for her. She is one of the most humans of humans. She loves nature and she goes to meet nature. No matter what :). I wish I had the same drive.

But in this time when she will be gone I will try to perhaps make some videos for TROM. Something that seems impossible to reach but at least I will try.

I am deeply concerned about the situation with my parents. Any day can become worse. Today my father fainted in the kitchen and lightly hit his head on the floor. My mother got very scared because she thought could have been another stroke. She lives in a sort of terror all the time. Idk what will happen if my father would have another stroke and won’t be able to walk or who knows what….I may have to go there and help them.

That would destroy my soul but I would always help my parents when they need help.

The future for me is unstable. I will try to do my best to stay calm and happy. My health issues may not be too bad, but is indeed uncomfortable to live with that pain. The money situation was always bad for me, so will see how it goes. And if I may not do anything new for TROM, so be it.

But I am not done trying. I will try more. There is a lot of wonder out there to be wondering about. The night sky, the other worlds, the amazing creatures here, the atoms and cells. Life is finite anyway, it only matters how you live it. You may die in your 90s or 30s…you never know. All you can do is make the best out of now. And that is hard, but keep trying.

I took this photo the other day:

For the past two years I’ve been trying to create new content for TROM and I failed. I don’t have to do it, but I want to. Else I feel lost and I will explain why.

I have never been trapped in such a suffocating situation before.

I remember people telling me how they envy my drive and how I am like a “rock” in a storm, I keep on being the same, create stuff, engage, be active. That was my “activism” activity online. So many projects, websites, books, videos, I was a machine really.

Even I was thinking how good that my only problem is money and not some mental struggle. Because if I have money I know what to do.

Now I still don’t have much money, but money is also not an issue currently. I don’t think much about it because this is my home:

I am typing this article from inside this little thing we call Tortuga (Tortoise). Because it is slow but resilient :). But living in this way allowed me to live with a lot less. 5-600 Euros a month is enough for me to live, travel, eat and pay for internet. Half of what I needed before.

When I started my “activism” my immediate environment sucked. Living with my parents, we were all poor, stressed, my family was slaving to a job in Spain. I had no money and no way to take care of myself. Everyone I knew was a total zombie, trapped robot citizens, mushed brains, livestock meat. I HATED it! I was and felt alone.

The outside world was the same mess. I was disgusted by it. Buy, work, be trapped, be an idiot. Destroy, lie, deceive. Compete, don’t give a fuck, be a dick.

I felt trapped but I mentally untrapped myself.

I found some hope online. My blog was reaching some people, so I felt like someone is listening. Then came across organizations like TVP/TZM and realized there might be a hope to this bullshit society.

It was a path that I was seeing from my dark place to something. Something…I don’t know what, but something.

And this path gave me hope. This world can be a paradise if we are scientifically minded and understand that the society we live in is a human invention, so to not let this invention stay in our way of creating a better society. Money, social statuses, countries, ownership, all that is fantasy! If only we can make people see that, then we can use our science-brain and solve problems without being stopped by these fantasies.

We have food, let’s feed people. We have cancer treatments, let’s treat people. We want to build a museum, let’s build it. Not via monetary limitations, but volunteer organizations. If we have NOT, then we must at least have NOT enough resources or knowledge. I cannot accept that we have NOT “money”. That is bullshit.

My mission: come with me on this path out of this bullshit human society, and things will emerge. We just need to make people see the world for what it is.

After all if I were to realize that we live in a computer simulation I would FOR SURE react strongly to that and would want to get to the bottom of it!

Imagine if I were to just say: hm yeah, but I still have to eat and survive in this simulation so…is nothing I can do…

I thought now the main focus is to make people realize that we live in a simulation. A human fantasy simulation.

So I was like a machine gun, firing videos, documentaries, projects, blog posts, books, articles, memes. I was managing 8 social networks at once. Post everywhere. Podcasts? Yes! Debates? Yes! A new documentary? Yes! More websites? YESSS!

And I was firing them in my immediate environment and the outside world.

And so I spent the past 15 years! In this intense way.

I started to get donations so my immediate environment became better. Less stress, more comfortable.

The Rupture.

After so much effort I realized some hard truths.

1. Reaching people with these messages is an infinite struggle and has become almost impossible recently. Everyone is consumed on idiotic platforms. No new content can easily reach them. My machineguns were kinda obsolete. I do not have the energy and motivation to make TikTok videos or click baity content…I cannot. And without this you do not exist.
2. Even when you reach people their heads are a mush because of so much content online. Too many things people have to deal with. How my message dissolves in these brains is tasteless. They scroll to the next thing.
3. Even when the content dissolves in some brains in a tasteful way, these people are also trapped with jobs and other issues.
4. The world has become a tsunami of problems and stupidity. From the COVID pandemic with its mental conspiracies orbiting it, to Russia going at war with Ukraine, Israel mass murdering people in Gaza, Trump being a shitshow clown, people murdered, loud political debates, anger, more idiots, more consumerism….
5. Organizations and movements like TVP, TZM and the like dissolved.

I realized the outside world is far bigger and more problematic than I thought. And for the past years it expanded infinitely into the stupid, moronic, and violent.

I felt the path leads to nowhere. There is no path. I felt locked into my immediate environment. Friends, family, Tortuga.

I finally have amazing friends and my family is ok. I have a fucking Tortuga! I feel quite safe. I am on my own kinda and can take care of myself. I can go see super nice places out in the world.

I am fine. In that sense. But…

I see no path forward, nothing to look up to. No escape from the outside world. I find it impossible to live in my own nice bubble and ignore it. But I also cannot see a path forward.

And this has destroyed me inside. For the first time in 15 years I feel lost. I do not feel motivated to fire up anything at this world: no more books, content, projects. I don’t feel like it is going to have any impact.

I am still super happy to keep our projects alive and relevant. And I hope to also create new content. But it is hard. Even more so when my new lifestyle forces me to interrupt my work every few days. I need to move move move…get water for the motorhome, buy food, get gas, etc..

On the other hand if I were to stay in one place for longer, I would perhaps get even more depressed since I cannot find much joy and hope into creating new stuff and being actively active in my “activism”.

So maybe when I am forced to go from one place to another, is a way to keep me distracted and to allow me to continue, whatever that “continue” means.

I know this is a depressing post. And I have made several like this in the past. But this is the truth. And the truth also is that for the past 2 years or so I could not find a way out for me. Mentally that is.

So at times I am super happy and relaxed, then next day I can be totally down. I fluctuate a lot. And that is bothering me.

There are good things to look forward in my green bubble. A total solar eclipse this year and for that I will meet up with the rarest of humans, those who are smart, sane and kind. Cannot wait for that. I am also enjoying this Tortuga earthship and I look forward to see where she will take me. It is my little bubble and I still fire up some stuff into the outside world via TROM.tf, VideoNeat or TROMjaro. Maybe more will come. IDK.

But I have tried and I am either demotivated to throw content into a blackhole that this world is, or always get interrupted by life.

For now I will try more. And if nothing works, at least I still have my green bubble and I may accept to be comfortable with only that.

And don’t worry I am fine, is perhaps a normal reaction to a shithole society. Maybe I need to go through a rough road of acceptance that there is nothing there in the outside outside world that is hopeful.

We will see. At least making this post helps me a bit.

I will eat something. Take a nap. And maybe when I wake up I can even “fire up” some content for TROM. Update my never ending drafts that are meant to become books or videos one day. Because I know that I cannot just stay. I need to do something, even if it goes nowhere.

When the problems are inside of your mind, and you need your mind to fix them, it is harder than climbing the tallest mountain. But it is doable.

I will try to condense this as much as possible.

Motorhome life has started!

We left mid February towards the central South of Spain to meet with some wonderful friends.

We then went more to the South, then back to the North via the West site of Spain, and back to Estartit (where we left from), at the end of May. Kinda like this:

We got used to the motorhome life quite quickly. I LOVE IT! It is my tiny home. But honestly HUGE inside. I have my own space to work on the computer (the main table), we have a big top bed, a full bathroom with hot water and a great toilet. A kitchen where I can cook the food I want and can eat, a small but very spacious fridge, and a lot of storage space.

We visited the most wonderful places. Click these compilations to see them close up.

We saw a weird “volcano” on the map and we went there. It was not a volcano but a weirdly shaped hill 🙂

We saw two mind blowing caves:

We did two out of this world hikes through some mountains/canyons:

And visited an alien place I saw in a documentary with Brian Cox:

And these are just the places we liked the most. We visited a lot of nature. A LOT! And we stayed in some wonderful parkings for motorhomes.

Best is to follow us on Peertube or via our website.

In all it was an amazing experience. I got so used to this lifestyle. Something very wildly different from my previous lifestyle where I was spending most of my time in my room, in one place, on the computer.

BUT.

I missed a lot my brain. Yes cool places, yes cool lifestyle, but my brain is my best sensory organ that can look at the stars, read about atoms, and project about the future. Something no fingers, noses, or ears can detect or understand. I miss reading, watching lectures, putting my brain to work. To understand the world, to explain it. To debate, talk, engage.

I MISS IT!

Perhaps the motorhome life was too brief for now to be able to get back into my TROMmood. But combining both is for me the perfect lifestyle. And this is my mission.

Money no more. Back to Estartit.

We knew we will not have money and we have to make some. We came back in Estartit at the end of May so that Sasha can start another season in diving to make some money. I hate this, she hates this. We hate it. But what can we do?

I tried to make more websites for WebApe and see if we can get more donations for TROM, but it is damn hard. I get some money a month, perhaps 60% of what we need, but I seem to be stuck at that. We spend very little money when living in the motorhome. Around 900-1.000 Euros a month all included: food, fuel, insurance, internet, etc.. For 2 people, traveling over 1.000km a month, it is very very low.

I feel very frustrated when I see Sasha work as a divemaster instead of focusing her brain on her book, website, herself. But I do not know how to help. We are fucked by the trade-based society like everyone else. At least Sasha loves diving so if it weren’t for the forced diving, she enjoys it. Underwater, creatures, calmness.

I hope this is the last season for her. We can save some money and see where we go from there.

I went to Romania to build a house and lose my mind.

My parents retired. They went back to Romania. They also bought a 2.000 Euros prefab wooden house to put in my grandma’s garden. All of my grandparents are long dead, but we have some relatives living on the property. I said I should go help them put it together since it is a lot of effort to do that.

I thought I would stay for a month and I ended up staying for almost two.

We started to build the house the second day I came there. Little by little in less than 2 weeks we manged to build the frame of it.

Overall I really enjoyed going there and working on the house. No more internet bad news, no other plans, just this. I like doing these sort of things. To see it taking shape and all that. Many times I would be stressed because of my father with who I could never really get along, or anyone else for that matter. Very inpatient, angry, and he could not help much. Hard to explain to anyone how difficult this man can be, but for a few years now I suspected he may have some cognitive issues, maybe a brain tumor or idk, because he is “too much”…. he can trip on his own shoes and curse and punch something. He sneezes and then swears. He is many times unable to understand simple tasks, and if you disagree with him over anything he makes a huge drama out of it.

Communication with him is impossible.

He is not always like that tho. At times he switches 180 degrees and is very calm and friendly.

Weird. But you will see that my suspicions may have some ground in truth…

Anyway I loved this little house and it was taking shape rapidly. Inside just 4×4 meters, but very spacious. However before I came to Romania they put the foundation wrong (my father…) and without going into too much explanation it was too wide, too crooked, tilted…so when it was raining, the water will go inside the house under the frame.

Took me a long time to fix this. Had to lift the entire house and level it. Then paint the wood with a special paint, wrap it in plastic, and put foam under it. To keep it in place and not ruin the wood. I had to learn a lot about wood, concrete, damage to these materials, etc.. Basically you cannot put the wood directly on concrete and so forth.

I had to use a special paint afterwards to seal the entire frame at the bottom. Now the water wont come in. We had to level the inside of the house too – but we paid someone to do it.

In all a huge amount of work.

We even bought a metal roof and I put it myself. I used the wood pieces from the box the house came in, so that we do not waste anything. I cut it with a very old saw but I managed it eventually.

Made a frame on the roof from this wood, then I put the metal sheets.

Now house complete:

Of course I added 2 solar panels, 180W each, and a 780Wh Bluetti battery that is the main power source in the house.

Inside there is a couch that transforms into a bed, a little fridge, a sink with a water pump, a little stove…so it is fully offgrid.

You see my parents live at the 4th floor in a building with no elevator. They are in their late 60s and already find it difficult to go up and down the stairs. This house is a place for them to stay at times. At least go there, plant vegetables and fruits (which they already do). Maybe have a dog since I made a gate from the wood leftovers and put a little fence around the house.

I worked a lot. Every day almost. But I am very proud of the result. I really like this little place surrounded by nature. Calm. Quiet. I am also happy for my parents. My mother loves it so much!

BUT.

That environment in Romania is what made me want to kill myself in highschool. I hate it. And I find it difficult to explain the extent of my hate. It is the normality there, the detachment from reality that is so deep. I feel trapped in a bad zombie movie, or a horror dream. It became so depressing for me I started to watch movies again. And for those who know me this is a very bad sign. But I could not sleep anymore, I needed to distract myself from reality while I was there.

I feel so ashamed to even admit I was watching some silly old comedies to get myself out of the mess. I felt like I failed after so many years where I kept myself alive and awake. I even wrote a very dark blog post which I decide not to post because I did not want to bother the few close people to me who would read it.

But just so to make it clear, I was in a very dark place, so dark I thought at times that maybe is not worth continuing being alive. I left my little room some 20 years ago, and when I came back the world in Romania was the exact same, even worse. So what is the point!?

I do not know if anyone understands me, but nothing makes me more depressed than the normality of people. You know galaxies, atoms, evolution, atoms, all that real shit that was discovered very recently, and it had ZERO impact on people’s lives. People are the same: jobs, family, money, watch tv, bullshit like this. I get really angry and frustrated at this situation, and in Romania this contrast is so obvious.

All in all, I LOVED the little house project, and I felt like I was losing my mind while in Romania.

Time to leave. Finally! BYE!

FUCK!

It is the end of July. I decided to come back to Spain with my parents who were already planning to come back there for a month to relax and deal with some paperwork.

I could not have foreseen the shit we went through.

Plane was taking off at 06:30. No one slept. We took a bus from 00:30 to 04:00 to Bucharest. In the airport around 06:00 we were waiting in line. In the corner of my eye I see my father dropping down like a heavy rock. On his back. A big loud sound, that kind when your head hits the pavement. Really bad.

I jumped to help. He was lifeless on this back. Eyes wide open. No breathing. People were gathering around. I was sure he died. I thought he had a heat attack. He is also overweight and has some health issues.

Checked his pulse and his heart. They seemed to be working. Suddenly he wakes up. Very confused. Very! I thought ok at least he is not dead, but for sure he had a stroke.

Took us a few minutes to wake him up. Lift him. Put him on a chair. He had a bad bruise on his head.

Doctors came, romanian style with their shitty attitude. Did some tests on him. We almost missed the plane. Decided that he is ok to fly and when we arrive we go to the hospital in Spain.

My parents had seats in the front of the plane. Me in the back. I spend 2 out of 3 hours keeping an eye on them. I was scared because I thought something bad is happening with him and in the plane wtf can you do? I was so tired. I decided to try and take a short nap since there was 1 more hour flying. In my head I thought: I fucking hope I won’t wake up with my mother near me asking for help. And FUCK IT that happened!

My mother was crying waking me up. People in the plane were a bit scared. My father fainted again. Took them more time to wake him up. I went there and stayed with them trying to keep my father awake (alive?). Felt like ages to land. The crew made an announcement in the plane saying they have a medical emergency. Called for anyone who is a doctor to help. A doctor came, helped a bit. An ambulance waited for us in Barcelona when we landed. They did more tests they said all looks ok but needs to go to the hospital.

I was holding my father’s arm the entire time to make sure if he faints I can catch him. The bus was coming in 4 hours and we decided to pay for an Uber to go back in order to go faster to a hospital.

In the Uber my father fainted again and I struggled to wake him up. He seemed to have difficulty breathing. That Uber ride was one of the most awful moments in my life because it took us 2 hours to go to a hospital near Estartit and I was constantly trying to keep my father awake. We had no idea what was wrong and what if he “shuts down” and cannot come back to life?

We arrived at a hospital 10 minutes from where we live in Estartit. They sent us to the family doctor in Estartit. The doctor was very worried and sent us immediately to another hospital 40 minutes away. I drove them there. They decided to keep him for 4 days under constant monitoring connected to all sorts of machines.

We stayed with him in the hospital the first day and a half. Me and my sister.

By this time I did not sleep at all in over 40 hours, almost 2 days. I was so tired and stressed. My mother too.

Anyway.

After 4 days of monitoring and tests (so many of them including a brain CT scan), the only big issue is that his heart drops from 60-80BPM (Beats Per Minute) to just 20-30. Which is terrible and random. And the doctors are clueless why this is.

Now he is home. He is doing well. But we have no idea how bad his health issues are. We have to go back for more tests and if he faints again I have to take them to the emergency room.

Side note: the healthcare here is kinda trade-free. We paid nothing for any of this. And the care was fantastic. When he was in the hospital he had access to nurses 24/7. His own room. Food 3 times a day. TV. AC. Fantastic help that everyone should have access to.

What worries me the most.

Remember when I said I felt that my father has cognitive issues? Well they also discovered that he had mini strokes in the past (lacunar stroke) and they created tiny holes in his brain. The doctor said that YES this can impair the cognitive function and all that. Finally I think this explains his terrible behavior for the past years.

He drives very dangerously and last December we had a car crash because of him. I nearly escaped a terrible injury. He also drove on the wrong side of the road at one point, or in the 2nd gear on the highway, and so on. He forgets things, asks the same thing over and over again sometimes, etc..

I told the doctor, she did not seem too interested since we have to focus on his heart issue first.

I learned that these strokes can be because of the heart which fails to pump enough oxygen into the brain, so the tissue dies. I also learned that Dementia means brain damage in general, and I am afraid he has early stages of dementia. But since there is nothing you can do about this, except deal with what causes the brain damage (in his case likely high blood pressure and the heart BPM drops), then let the doctors continue the investigation and deal with it.

It was a terrible week for me. Now I am better. I feel sorry for my father but I am also tired of dealing with his behavior to be honest. I also have a life to take care of. Of course whatever help my parents need I am always available.

What next?

For the past month since we arrived here I have been staying in the motorhome in a parking lot near the building where my sister and my parents live. It was crazy hot and uncomfortable. At night it was ok with the fans and I was able to sleep decently.

I was planning to only stay for a week or two in this region then go to a colder area, like mountains. But because of what happened to my father…I had to stay a lot longer.

I managed to do a lot of work on the motorhome at least. I fixed our showertub that was getting scratched up over time by whatever we put on top of it. So from this:

I transformed it into this:

I redid the entire electrical part of our main battery and added a new bigger solar controller. I will showcase in our TROMhome videos at one point but look at the mess I made while working on it:

I even built my own cinema (another video that I will make for TROMhome)

I also did the car inspection and fixed a few other things.

So at least I did some work on the motorhome.

BUT.

I need my TROM time. When is that coming?

In a week or so I will be finally leaving with the motorhome by myself. I don`t really care where I go as long as it is not so hot and I can focus on TROM. I need my brain fucking back. And I will try to reboot myself and TROM this year, or die trying.

Everyone is sucked into the system. Understandably so. And if I get sucked into it I will be as good as dead. So I will do my best to stay away from this fuckery. Life is short and I don’t want to miss the opportunity to let my brain understand and wonder about reality. I don’t want to be one of the billion humans who lived a fake fantasy, a simple one, that of citizens, workers, labeled simplistic creatures who did not realize what was truly true.

My “perfect” life, considering the limitations I(we) face in this society, is to travel with the motorhome to nice nature places, while at the same time create more content for TROM. Maybe the sparks of this combo could be going to some events and present TROM, do some screenings, etc.. Live with little, kinda detached from society, while keeping my brain active and engaged. And scream and do!

I will try to spend even less money and survive from the donations I get from TROM plus WebApe. It will be tough but this motorhome is my escape, without it I would be totally fucked. I need to get away from people for a bit, from normality, and get my brain back.

I am either getting my brain back or lose it.

And I will fight for it!

A week or so ago my Dell laptop started to not charge from time to time until it stopped charging. The laptop has 2 USB-C ports for charging and both died. I checked and only one worked for data transfer. I could not find a solution. You know I am the “computer repair guy” normally and I fix people`s laptops but this time I could not fix mine.

Look at this:

No way I can fix these and not destroy the laptop. They make these impossible to repair for normal folks and too expensive to send for repair anyway. Likely would have cost me hundreds of euro in Spain and would take a long time.

So frustrating since it works just fine with the battery but I CANNOT charge it! WTF.

So I decided to drop this laptop for good and go for a much cheaper one. You see this 1.200 Euros Dell laptop that I had for the past 3 years had a bunch of issues anyway

1. From the start the trackpad did not work. I had to solder a wire inside of it to make it work. Insane!

2. The battery dropped to some 50% capacity in less than 2 years.

3. It was hard to open and overall not very well built (I realized that in time because in the beginning I thought it was very well built).

4. Lately some keys on the keyboard stopped working unless you really press down on them hard.

6. It was getting crazy hot. In the summer I could not hold it on my lap. And it was designed by a moron who thought sharp corners are cool…

I feel bad that I spent so much money on it. Overall I was happy with it, especially the screen, but the above issues were not easy to accept.

ThinkPad P1 Gen1

I have very little money and I thought why not buy a cheap ThinkPad. My sister has a small ThinkPad Yoga that she bought second hand a few years ago from ebay. And I LOVED it. The build quality, THAT keyboard….how easy it is to open and upgrade.

I was in a rush since I had no laptop anymore and after 2 days of searching I found the ThinkPad P1 series. 15.6inch screen, great keyboard, and very good specs. I was lucky to find it for 300 Euros on Wallapop (second hand store).

Here is why I LOVE this laptop and why it is better than that Dell.

Build quality.

This is properly built not a gimmick like that Dell that had a metal chassis but inside all plastic. This one has a metal alloy inside. Feels a lot more robust. And no sharp corners. I can easily handle this laptop.

It is the same size and weight as that Dell. It is quite thin and has all of the ports you need.

I also like that it opens flat like this. IDK why but I always hated when laptops only open half way through.

Overall it feels very well made.

Easy to upgrade.

Which one looks better organized inside?

Clearly the bottom one, ThinkPad. 2 fans that keep this laptop a lot cooler than that Dhell. I could easily add my 64GB of RAM and it has TWO, THWO M2 slots! Wow. Dell only had one. I added my 4TB on one slot and kept the 512GB it came with for system backups. I always wanted to Tmeshift my system backups to a different drive and now I can do it easily.

To open this ThinkPad you only need to remove 7 screws that are held captive to the bottom chassis “plate”. With the Dell it was a bit awful. Tiny screws that you can lose and a lot of sweat to lift that base. Noises, cracks…bad.

Multiple charging options.

Their proprietary charger port plus 2 USB-C. In case any stops working (DELL!!!) you have another way to keep the laptop charged.

That keyboard!

Wow. You have to use these ThinkPad keyboards to understand what a good fucking keyboard is. Most laptops wanna be thin and have almost touch-based keyboards. They suck. This one feels like you gave your fingers a comfy chair. For someone like me who writes a lot, a keyboard is more important than other things.

LOVE IT!

Performance?

Everyone is obsessed with numbers and names. This new CPU X12Nm V2! Bla-bullshit. Marketing nonsense.

Ok look at the numbers. The Dell had a Core i7-1260P with 12 cores and 16 threads. This ThinkPad has a Core i7-8850H with 6 cores and 12 threads.

On paper the Dell is some 40% better than the ThinkPad.

In practice I notice NO difference. Yes I only got the ThinkPad for a day, but the only CPU intensive tasks I do are multitasking (doing now, no difference), compiling the TROMjaro ISOs (now takes 10-20 minutes longer), and video editing in Kdenlive where I use proxy videos anyway so the CPU is barely used. Perhaps when I render videos it would take a bit longer. But just a bit.

The rest is total BS – just marketing. I do a lot of things including VMs, and my CPU is bellow 6%.

Where I was held back a bit was the video card from Dell. An Nvidia MX550 with just 2GB of RAM. ThinkPad uses an Nvidia Quadro P2000 with Max-Q Design. Kinda similar but it has 4GB of RAM. I could not run some Language Models for translating stuff in Kdenlive with the 2GB of RAM GPU from Dell, so this one should help.

What I need is a lot of is RAM. And I am using the same 64GB from the Dell. Also same M2 drive.

The screen is indeed better from the Dell one. That OLED…but this one is not at all bad. After a few minutes you cannot tell one from another. You simply adjust.

So I bet performance wise I will notice no difference, and this is the key. All of those CPU and GPU names make no difference. The real use is important.

Cheap is better!

When this laptop released some 5 years ago it was selling for around 2.000$. Now you can grab a good second hand one for around 3-400 Euros. In a way the advantage of this endless consuming society is that they release so many new models making the “old” ones very cheap very fast. So you can buy them second had and in very good working quality.

Before I was very concerned for my laptop since I paid so much money and I thought if I lose it I am fucked. But now, is fine. If I lose it or it breaks, I can get the same one for a few hundreds of euros.

Not so much stress as before.

Linux rocks!

The fact that I simply put my M2 driver with TROMjaro in the new laptop and booted into it, and all worked as before, is pure Linux magic. I had to do nothing except reinstall something for the finerprint reader. It means I can take that drive of mine of 4TB and put it into any machine really, and have my own stuff there. Making it my own.

Fucking amazing!

Overall

The speakers are decent, I managed to make the finerprint reader work which is fantastic, the keyboard is sane and in English, no nonsense keys, and the webcam is decent for a laptop.

(when you are prompted to use the fingerprint a little light turns on – neat)

In BIOS you can also change the FN and CTRL keys since for some reason ThinkPad Thinks it is a good idea to put the FN key where most laptops put the CTRL key. At least is easy to switch.

So overall a very cheap laptop and very good. If this one breaks at least I know I can cheaply buy another one like this, put my drive and RAM into it, and that`s it.

THANK YOU!

I made a donation campaign for this laptop and raised the money within hours. Thank you to those who donated. Thank you very much. My laptop is so important for me – allows me to do all of these TROM projects.

Many thanks!

UPDATES 1:

After a week I still love it :). I love how they use these little lights to tell you if your mic is on mute, your FN key is active, audio on mute as well, and so on. Really handy honestly.

And the little red dot from the lid, on the back. When it goes on and off slowly it means the computer is in standby mode. SUPER HELPFUL for my needs since at times I felt like my laptop wont go into standby when I close the lid. Now I know.

The typing is great. But the letter G on the keyboard needs to be pressed a bit more to work…tried to fix it but likely nothing to do…is ok. I am getting used to it.

The battery is quite ok, and the screen….well it is fine but I miss the OLED a lot….the colors on this one are washed out, like on most laptops. But well…is fine.

I started to video edit on it. So far seems like before in terms of speediness. Made a new TROMjaro ISO, super fast as before. I cannot tell the difference.

So I can fully say that this 300 Euros laptop, that was actually 260 Euros and the rest taxes and transport fees, is as good as that 1.200 Euros Dell I had. This is fantastic!

Oh and I finally feel like I have a laptop that I can carry around with me….no sharp edges and a bit lighter. Love it!

We’ve been living in the motorhome for the past 2 days. We worked so much these past weeks on the motorhome, and moving out of the old house and all that….it was so tiring. But from now on things are all about getting used to this new lifestyle. We will be staying in Spain for a week or so in the motorhome then we have to go to Romania for a month. Only after that we will start the “tromhome” living properly.

There are ups and downs, advantages and disadvantages. On one hand you get amazing views and to be able to go anywhere basically…and still have your home, is amazing. We slept last night in this nature place, so cold outside, stars crisp, quiet, amazing. Inside warm and cozy.

But then we do not have enough solar power and batteries so I can barely use my laptop. The internet is limited too. This is a completely different lifestyle for me.

You have to go to the bathroom, you also have to “manage” the waste. When you park you have to not do it in the shade so you get some solar. Also, make sure you are allowed to park where you want to. You have to fill up your water tank, also empty it. 😀

Many things to do. But life is short and I want to try new things 😉

It will take a bit of time to get into some kind of routine with my projects and lifestyle. But I am sure it will work out.

To have this earthship and go places is an amazing thing. A dream I had since I was a kid :D.

Anyway, not much time for TROM for the next 1-2 weeks, but after that the entire December I will focus on it, updates, videos, things, plans.