Almost 2 days ago I am told by my “girlfriend” that she cheated on me and also wants to split apart. It was the same day she got back from a 2 months trip to a place she really wanted to visit and explore. I supported her through her journey fully. I wanted for her to be happy. It is true that for the past year or two our relationship wasn’t the best since I wanted something from life and she something else. I would like to go travel with the motorhome, see nice places, but more importantly make projects like TROM, learn about the world, create content, etc.. I would like to get involved with such things. She wanted to feel free, take her backpack, go explore the world by herself. We are both quite extreme creatures, obsessed a bit with our preferred lifestyle.

A year ago we were sitting in bed and I asked what would be your ideal life? I said mine would be for the two of us to be a team, work on interesting projects like TROM that would open the door to meet new people, to do something important in this world. Let’s make videos, write, go meet other organizations, do talks, get the active in activism. And at the same time travel with the motorhome, see cool places, have fun. She said her ideal life would be to feel freedom like she used to. Take her backpack and go go go. Not knowing where to. Just feel free. See amazing nature places, meet new people. I asked if she sees me in her ideal life, and she said an honest “no”. I said why are we together then…but things moved on…somehow…

From that moment on I knew this will not end up well for our relationship. Mind you I said since then a few times if she feels like we should take a break let’s do it and that’s it. Let’s make sure we split apart in a sane way. But nothing followed that.

But is not like we were fighting now or there were any signs the breakup will happen, at least not so sudden. We’ve been in touch over the past two months while she was in this nice place enjoying her preferred lifestyle. She even said to me that it costs some 700 Euros to take the motorhome there with a ferry and maybe we will do it one time. Was excited to see her. Picked her up from the train station and I felt like she was cold to me, despite the dying Spanish heat that day.

For the entire day we talked a bit about her adventures, she was happy to story some of that, we ate, she slept, we met with some of her friends and they had a fun chat about these adventures. We went for a walk, then back to the motorhome. I sit down and she tells me that she hooked up with a guy, and that she felt so amazing in this place, she felt again like she was free and was in awe. She is deeply sorry and she was crying all of this time. She said she does not care about this guy or being with someone, she just wants this lifestyle back.

This is more or less a classical breakup story, and this bothers me a lot. I was very vocal with her about the fact that if we are to move apart let’s please do it in a way that we do not hurt each other. After all ending a 7 year long relationship is not that easy regardless, so let’s land that plane safely. I told her directly maybe let’s think of taking a break if you want that, you go do your thing, I do mine, and we see where it goes. But let’s call it that. And if is permanent, so be it. But we need time to adjust to a life without each other. At least I needed for sure.

You see I was never in such a relationship before. I was a loner, making TROM and the like, because my brain cannot simply adjust to this stupid society. I cannot ignore the problems I see, the amazing scientific realities I am aware of. I cannot have a normal job, go chitchat with the work mates, watch a movie later on, rinse and repeat. So I was basically all alone except for my close family and some people I kept in touch with online.

In 2019 I organized a “TROM Meetup” to meet with the closest people to the project for the first time. It was really fun and encouraging, but I also had some weird medical issues that turned out to be just a kidney stone being trapped somewhere down the pipes. So it was a mix of feelings. But one big thing happened that time. This girl who was very involved with TVP and some with TROM, basically conquered me mentally and physically. We ended up together and my feelings were a bit mixed due to my health issues and the fact that this was so new to me.

We ended up being together for some 7 years, and we’ve been through a lot. Since I was never in such a relationship before I put most of my energy into it, meaning I thought this is such a precious thing I might as well take care of it. She was my priority regardless. To help her as much as possible, be there for her, be kind to her, etc.. Because not only did I care directly about her, the now, but I also realized that we need each other for the future. To support each other emotionally, physically, and financially. It was fantastic.

I remember the first few years was telling her how now I can sleep so well and fast, because I felt so close to her and relaxed. I miss those moments. Before that it would take me hours every night to trick my brain into falling asleep.

She struggled tho. She wanted her adventures back from the first years we were together, and that made me sad. Sad for the relationship, but I always told her if she really wants to go, please go. Let’s have a serious discussion and it is what it is. I was afraid she would leave. I lived with that little fear inside of me for the past years.

She lost her interest in these sort of projects, and I understand. Most people did. It is fucking hard to keep swimming against the current in this big ocean. We did work together on some things including TROM II.

We bought a motorhome some 2 years ago, and that I could never do without her. She made most of the money to buy it. I had a hope that this is something that would make both of our lifestyles have a common happy ground. But from the get go I saw her not very interested in it. We said let’s give it a try.

For the past 2 or so years we’ve been traveling in Spain. We saw some amazing caves, mountains, lakes, and nice places. But I was doing bad mentally since I could not find my motivation to work on TROM again. Is really great to see some cool places, but for me is an empty feeling if I do not do something else more important than that. I was not able to create any new content in this time.

She was also not that happy or excited at times. She is very active, great for her honestly, but she needs more than this.

Anyway, we had serious discussions about perhaps moving apart but I insisted we land the plane safely.

Her last adventure, I felt, was a make it or break it thing. Either she comes back happy and charged up, and ready to mix that lifestyle with our own, or she comes comes back happy and charged up, and ready to go back to this lifestyle. BUT, and I INSIST, I thought if the second thing happens, we will spend a few days landing the plane safely.

You see, I got NO indication from my conversations with her over the past 2 months, that this is inevitable. She would send me photos and videos, she would give me hopes at times that perhaps we will go together to that place one day. We are going to see a total solar eclipse in August and we have everything booked, us and our friends. So the plan was she comes back, she works for 3 months in this town, I will go out a bit with the motorhome because is too hot to stay here, and we meet again in August, and then we see.

The day has come, she was back. I was of course excited to see her. I could not even sleep much that night. She was, after all, my main human still. I invested myself emotionally and physically in this relationship for the past years.

Picked her up from the train station, hugged and kissed her. She for sure felt cold. But I thought she is tired. We went to my sister’s apartment where we had something to eat, she had a shower. She would excitedly tell us about her adventures a bit. There was absolutely no sign of what was about to happen. She took a long nap, I took her with her luggage to the apartment where she’ll stay for these 3 working months. There she also had happy discussions with her room and work mates about her adventures.

If I knew I would end our 7 year old relationship today, I for sure would feel sick to the stomach. And unable to even produce a smile. I would be destroyed because I would realize what I am about to say and how it would impact the other one.

I have lower right abdominal pain and back pain for a year now. Also right leg pain. It drives me crazy. We investigate to see what it is, but needless to say having pain, whatever and wherever it is, for more than a year, almost daily and for the past 2-3 months daily, is really fucking you up. Physically and mentally. I take painkillers now daily. I am worried I may have something bad. Is normal. We continue the tests and all that so we will see. But I was in a very bad state mentally and physically.

However when I was alone I was able to work on new TROM content. I finished a big article about a very important topic, and I was about to release these days. I thought this is my reboot. And now maybe we both can be charged up and try to adapt our preferred lifestyles to meet in the middle. I hoped. I also felt like now that she comes back I can get myself distracted from my pain-life. Maybe we spend some time together, I was curious to know more about her adventures.

So that night in the motorhome she started to cry and told me that she hooked up with a guy as a one time thing, but she wants her lifestyle back so she cannot continue in this relationship. Being already tired as it was midnight, I felt like I was dreaming. I was not even angry at her. I was sad. And truly disappointed.

I was sure she is smart and wise enough to make sure she also cares about me if she is to take such a decision. Make sure you don’t fuck me up. If I was the one taking this decision I would be in an advantageous position since I have made up my mind, I have accepted it internally, and I have found a different path. I know where I am going. But not the partner. So I would make sure to take care of the partner and make sure she is ok and she can handle it all. I would really struggle to make sure we land and not crash the plane.

After an hour of talking and her crying, and me being shocked, she left. There was no yelling, no drama. Just absorbing the bad news. I stayed in the motorhome and for the first time in many years I started to cry and feel like shit. I don’t think anyone has seen me cry, because I am able to internalize my feelings and I simply do not cry really. I may get watery eyes and some tears, but that proper cry never. Well now I experienced it fully.

I felt like a lion in a cage suffocating. I wanted to go out, but I had abdominal and back pain. I stayed in bed with the lights on until 6 in the morning. I am parked in the parking close to where my sister lives. I stayed around here for the past 2 months since I had to do some medical exams, but also because my sister also had some health issues and I was here to help. So I went to her apartment. She has a spare room. I felt a bit better. She woke up to go to work, I told her. She was shocked.

I could barely sleep yesterday. I am usually bad at managing my thoughts when something stresses me out. I think and think until I get exhausted. I thought a lot about our relationship, the past, and the future.

The past makes me wanna cry. Nostalgia is a hell of an emotional rollercoaster. All of the times we were happy, the fact that we were amused at the same jokes, we agreed that this Trade Society is the fault for most of our problems, how reality is amazing….so many things.

But the future is what scares me shitless.

All of my life I went full on detach from this society. As much as possible. I try to walk the talk. I never had a job so I struggled financially, but that also kept me saner and focused on these TROM like projects. I do not know how to support myself in this system. So alone I am fucked. Luckily others have helped me over the years, and when I was with her we managed to support each other. First, for me, emotionally since for the first time I had such a close relationship with another human. I felt like we are going together through life, facing it like that, rather than alone. So that was extremely important for me. Maybe for her too, even if she may not realize now. You understand how important such close relationships are when you are in trouble. And a few times this has been the case, for both of us, and having someone so close to you to help, is essential.

Now I have the motorhome, less than a thousand euros in my savings, and I feel terribly alone especially when I think about the future. Especially since I am someone who does not look forward to meet other people per-se, I am not that “social” at all. So for me, meeting someone else, seems like an impossible challenge.

Yesterday I was putting her stuff in bags so she can grab them from the motorhome. And I got very emotional. I realized that this is it. This lifestyle is gone. She is gone. And I will have to deal with it. I was chocking in my own thoughts.

Trust me I was ready for moving to separate lives, and I talked to her about that, but she caught me in a very bad moment and it was so sudden. I felt so sick.

I was crying like a bitch and felt like suffocating while putting her stuff into the bags. I had to leave the motorhome and asked her to come finish the job because I simply cannot handle it well.

Last night I slept in my sister’s apartment because I feel a bit sick to stay in the motorhome. I never thought I would be so emotionally fucked up, but is because I was already struggling mentally too with my health issues, at times not sleeping thinking what if I have some really bad thing like a tumor. A word I’ve heard as a rare possibility from my doctor twice now. So what I needed was support, and what I got was devastation.

I am not angry at her, I do not want to hurt her at all, I want her to not be sad and be happy. I would suffer even more if she would suffer. I simply cannot hate her. But I am deeply disappointed in how she handled this. She did an absolute terrible job and she hurt me so much, nothing hurt me like that ever. And I hope nothing will.

She already decided, she knew, she was ready. She should have made me ready. At least wait till next day and tell me. And hooking up with someone else…while we were still chatting on Signal as if nothing happened, tells me she found happiness and fun, and that our relationship was not that important for her anyway.

It is a very difficult time for me, for sure the most difficult in my life.

She helped me and was nice with me for the past years. I appreciate the time we spent together. Because of her I was able to experience new things, a new lifestyle. I used to be emotionally sealed being alone for so long, I was saying you could send me in a spacecraft to the nearby star system, alone, and I will be ok. I no need no one. The relationship unsealed me emotionally, I got used to be with her, to know she is there. And now without her I feel weird.

I do not know how I will adapt to being alone again, how I will manage my life financially when I can’t even have money to pay for the yearly motorhome insurance. How my life would look in years from now. I always much preferred to have a solid relationship with a few humans, a partner and a few friends, for all of my life, than jump from one life to another. Maybe because I am uncomfortable with meeting up new people, and with people in general. The reality (from atoms to galaxies) is not something the vast majority of people use as their template for who they are, and that confuses me a lot. The world is full of citizens, workers, all sorts of characters that are fantasies created inside people’s heads, supported by this cancerous society.

For sure there are many out there who are humans, and maybe I can meet more of them. But the reality is that the vast majority of people live in a fantasy land and that makes me really not wanting to “go out there”, meet anyone.

I am really lucky because my sister was here. She helped me a lot, both mentally and with the fact that I have a place to stay in this heat of Spain. Would be impossible in the motorhome now. I am not alone in that sense. Also Roma, Aaron, Roko and a few others are amazing friends who supported me endlessly with this. It helps me talk and vent out the frustration, same way it does writing this article.

Time will fade out most such problems. Maybe this shock to my system will lead to something better for me. Right now all I want is to sit for a few days….think…absorb and get over it as much as possible.

She may read this article, is likely, so I want her to know that I am not upset at her. And I honestly hope she found happiness. But life can be a different ride from now on, where solid relationships may matter more. I am not sure if I lost her, or she lost me.

I am truly disappointed that she didn’t manage to help land this plane. I was expecting a lot more from her.

I am swallowing a lot of things that make me wanna puke these days. Disappointment, sadness, loneliness, concern for the future. But I am sure I will get over it one day.

Is going to be difficult.

UPDATES 28.06.2026:

I got very little sleep these days. I talked so much with my friends about it all. I found out that everyone is deeply disappointed in this girl and that it affected not only me. This girl was a rolemodel for many others, and we all thought she is a smart and sane human who knows how to communicate and deal with these situations properly. Breaks my heart when I hear our closest friends say they lost hope because of this, because they thought is possible to have a down to earth relationship when they looked at us. Like one that you can manage in a sane way.

I woke up today at 7:30 in the most horrible way. A combination of stress and being tired. I felt like I never felt before. I felt my chest and my arms, my body were squashed, I could not move well, I was sweating like hell, I felt dizzy, confused. I was really scared I even made some noises almost like I am dying and idk what is happening. It was also because of my health issues probably, got into my head that I may have something bad.

That made me think this morning. I think these are the reasons why I got so emotionally fucked up now:

1. For the past 2 or so years I was in a black hole mentally, unable to see purpose in life at times. In short is because the world is a mess and idk what to do with myself in this mess. Is really hard. Was unable to do what I was doing before with TROM and such. Told her several times, even she was surprised because everyone knows me as this “continue by all means” guy. Give no fuck, make stuff, walk and talk. I never felt so bad since highschool when I tried to kill myself. So I was already in a terrible mental state.

2. Exactly one year ago we went through hell with my father who since then had 3 strokes. It became a nightmare for us, for the family. Dark thoughts, dark moments. Now he is stable for the past few months and that has helped a ton.

3. For a year now I have these health issues I was talking about. I was sent from specialist to specialist. They cannot find anything, which can be good but also bad. May be something more sinister underneath, maybe is not. But the truth is that it fucked me up mentally from time to time. Made me have dark thoughts over the past months especially. I am still booked for more tests. Is not easy to be in pain for so long and have no answers. It truly sucks and I am on painkillers daily, which also make be a bit dizzy and slow. I was already struggling to sleep and had some panic attacks from time to time.

4. The past weeks my sister also had to go through some very very stressful health issues that could have been very bad. Only last week we knew for sure she is relatively ok. I was basically the only one here absorbing her problem too, try to help with whatever I can. This also gave me nightmares.

5. Despite all that I finally managed to be ready to release something new for TROM. I am super happy with the big article I wrote about a super important subject. Was about to release this week and find happiness again. Find myself again. I was excited like I was not for the past 2 years. My father was ok, my parents were ok, my sister was ok. My health issues not ok, but at least no other issues.

So the news that I got, and the way I got it, destroyed me. I was fragile physically I think, vulnerable emotionally, and destroyed my little way out that I was waiting for so long.

She has no idea how much she fucked me up. I am doing my best to get over it. To try and focus on other things. For now I cannot stay in the motorhome anymore, I feel like suffocating. The heat also does not help at all. I am not currently feeling any motivation to go out with the motorhome or how to continue. Luckily I stay at my sister and we support each other. And I go to the pool every day.

But is fucking hard, no joke. I never was in such a fragile state before. This could have been so different. A thoughtful breakup.

I don’t want to affect her with these posts in case she reads them, but I am honestly not doing well and this helps me.

Family problems.

For the past months life was not easy for me. Many health issues or concerns, mainly with my father that also affects my mother and us. He had another stroke a month or so ago. Had difficulty talking and moving his fingers. Now he has recovered more or less.

But the entire experience has traumatized us a bit especially since my parents retired and went back to Romania, where the healthcare system is a world apart from Spain, where they worked for the past 2 decades.

In Romania it is a hassle…especially in small towns. Understaffed hospitals, nurses that get their diplomas just by paying some money…very bad. You have to go to the private clinics that want to suck every penny out of you. Call this doctor, call this relative, call more people, make appointments…is a total disaster.

I cannot even start to explain to you.

But basically now my father has a ton of health issues that need to be managed with many pills and he walks a thin line between fainting often and having his kidneys destroyed, or having another stroke or a heart attack. My mother is a 24/7 caretaker for him and is very hard for her.

Anyway, this entire situation has a big impact on me since I feel sorry for my mother mostly. She has to deal with a lot. My father has some brain damage and maybe because of that he does not seem to be that affected by the entire situation.

My health problems.

I also had to deal with health issues. Lower right abdominal pain since June last year. Comes and goes, and feels kinda bad. A combo of someone twisting your right testicle + punching you in the gut + having a mild food poisoning. Not fun.

Luckily I have access to a very good and trade-free healthcare system here in Spain. But my problems seem complicated. They thought it is inguinal hernia. I was sent to the surgeon to be told it is not a hernia. I was sent to the urologist to check my testicles. Not much was found. Maybe is a muscle or bone issue. I will be sent to see a specialist but can take up to a year for that. I have another appointment with the hernia surgeon next month for more checkups…and I can insist to go to a gastroenterologist the following months.

I am fine I think. But all of this time I have also thought about what bad things I may have. What if I have cancer for example? That is a stressful thought. I think it is for sure something to do with a muscle/bone since I can kinda feel that when I do some movement, but it does not explain all of the pain I am having. Of course cancer is rare for my age, but cancer is also a deadly motherfucker. Honestly I do not seem to have any symptoms that point in that direction but I had these thoughts before I went for these checkups. I think it is normal to get worried about these things…

Currently I am not too stressed but it is something I had to deal with and still have to deal with….

Motivational problems.

It is already hard to motivate yourself in this shithole society to do anything good or interesting. I tried and tried and I will try more. I was fantasizing about buying this DJI Pocket 3 camera with a good mic and start to make videos for TROM.

My only camera is my Pixel 6a which is shit in low light and I was planning to film inside the motorhome at night when it is more quiet…

I watched pretty much every review about this little camera. I think because I also liked to be distracted by that to not think about my health issues or my parents…. But it seems like a really great and useful camera, tho I know is not the camera that matters, is to be motivated and do something that matters.

In any case I’d love to be able to transform the drafts I wrote recently into videos. We will see. I may make a donation campaign for that Pocket 3 to buy it second hand.

I did have some sparks of wonder these past days when I felt alive again planning some amazing videos, cool project ideas, etc.. Just like back in the days when I was active. It seems I still have that inside. That is good.

Money problems.

I have around 1.300€. Monthly I barely get around 380€ from donations a month and from Webape.site around 330€. I have to pay for our servers around 100-150€ a month and for Webape around 130€. Maybe I am left with 400 or so euros. Now try to live with that every month….

The savings I have are getting lower each month. I would like to have 1.000€ put aside in case something bad happens with the motorhome and needs fixing, since it is my only home.

The gas is now so expensive that it makes me not want to drive anywhere. Change the oil, filters, do the car inspection twice a year, insurance, etc…add up to quite a bit of money too.

Not fun.

But it is the best alternative for me, so it is what it is.

Luckily I share the costs with Sasha or at times she pays for these big expenses…else idk what I would do.

(we cleaned the trash again – feels good to see a nature place without garbage)

Future?

These days we will go for a little adventure somewhere in Spain around some mountains and lakes. In 2-3 weeks we will come back to Estartit. I have a doctor appointment and Sasha will go for a big adventure on her on in May and June. I am very happy for her. She is one of the most humans of humans. She loves nature and she goes to meet nature. No matter what :). I wish I had the same drive.

But in this time when she will be gone I will try to perhaps make some videos for TROM. Something that seems impossible to reach but at least I will try.

I am deeply concerned about the situation with my parents. Any day can become worse. Today my father fainted in the kitchen and lightly hit his head on the floor. My mother got very scared because she thought could have been another stroke. She lives in a sort of terror all the time. Idk what will happen if my father would have another stroke and won’t be able to walk or who knows what….I may have to go there and help them.

That would destroy my soul but I would always help my parents when they need help.

The future for me is unstable. I will try to do my best to stay calm and happy. My health issues may not be too bad, but is indeed uncomfortable to live with that pain. The money situation was always bad for me, so will see how it goes. And if I may not do anything new for TROM, so be it.

But I am not done trying. I will try more. There is a lot of wonder out there to be wondering about. The night sky, the other worlds, the amazing creatures here, the atoms and cells. Life is finite anyway, it only matters how you live it. You may die in your 90s or 30s…you never know. All you can do is make the best out of now. And that is hard, but keep trying.

I took this photo the other day:

For the past two years I’ve been trying to create new content for TROM and I failed. I don’t have to do it, but I want to. Else I feel lost and I will explain why.

I have never been trapped in such a suffocating situation before.

I remember people telling me how they envy my drive and how I am like a “rock” in a storm, I keep on being the same, create stuff, engage, be active. That was my “activism” activity online. So many projects, websites, books, videos, I was a machine really.

Even I was thinking how good that my only problem is money and not some mental struggle. Because if I have money I know what to do.

Now I still don’t have much money, but money is also not an issue currently. I don’t think much about it because this is my home:

I am typing this article from inside this little thing we call Tortuga (Tortoise). Because it is slow but resilient :). But living in this way allowed me to live with a lot less. 5-600 Euros a month is enough for me to live, travel, eat and pay for internet. Half of what I needed before.

When I started my “activism” my immediate environment sucked. Living with my parents, we were all poor, stressed, my family was slaving to a job in Spain. I had no money and no way to take care of myself. Everyone I knew was a total zombie, trapped robot citizens, mushed brains, livestock meat. I HATED it! I was and felt alone.

The outside world was the same mess. I was disgusted by it. Buy, work, be trapped, be an idiot. Destroy, lie, deceive. Compete, don’t give a fuck, be a dick.

I felt trapped but I mentally untrapped myself.

I found some hope online. My blog was reaching some people, so I felt like someone is listening. Then came across organizations like TVP/TZM and realized there might be a hope to this bullshit society.

It was a path that I was seeing from my dark place to something. Something…I don’t know what, but something.

And this path gave me hope. This world can be a paradise if we are scientifically minded and understand that the society we live in is a human invention, so to not let this invention stay in our way of creating a better society. Money, social statuses, countries, ownership, all that is fantasy! If only we can make people see that, then we can use our science-brain and solve problems without being stopped by these fantasies.

We have food, let’s feed people. We have cancer treatments, let’s treat people. We want to build a museum, let’s build it. Not via monetary limitations, but volunteer organizations. If we have NOT, then we must at least have NOT enough resources or knowledge. I cannot accept that we have NOT “money”. That is bullshit.

My mission: come with me on this path out of this bullshit human society, and things will emerge. We just need to make people see the world for what it is.

After all if I were to realize that we live in a computer simulation I would FOR SURE react strongly to that and would want to get to the bottom of it!

Imagine if I were to just say: hm yeah, but I still have to eat and survive in this simulation so…is nothing I can do…

I thought now the main focus is to make people realize that we live in a simulation. A human fantasy simulation.

So I was like a machine gun, firing videos, documentaries, projects, blog posts, books, articles, memes. I was managing 8 social networks at once. Post everywhere. Podcasts? Yes! Debates? Yes! A new documentary? Yes! More websites? YESSS!

And I was firing them in my immediate environment and the outside world.

And so I spent the past 15 years! In this intense way.

I started to get donations so my immediate environment became better. Less stress, more comfortable.

The Rupture.

After so much effort I realized some hard truths.

1. Reaching people with these messages is an infinite struggle and has become almost impossible recently. Everyone is consumed on idiotic platforms. No new content can easily reach them. My machineguns were kinda obsolete. I do not have the energy and motivation to make TikTok videos or click baity content…I cannot. And without this you do not exist.
2. Even when you reach people their heads are a mush because of so much content online. Too many things people have to deal with. How my message dissolves in these brains is tasteless. They scroll to the next thing.
3. Even when the content dissolves in some brains in a tasteful way, these people are also trapped with jobs and other issues.
4. The world has become a tsunami of problems and stupidity. From the COVID pandemic with its mental conspiracies orbiting it, to Russia going at war with Ukraine, Israel mass murdering people in Gaza, Trump being a shitshow clown, people murdered, loud political debates, anger, more idiots, more consumerism….
5. Organizations and movements like TVP, TZM and the like dissolved.

I realized the outside world is far bigger and more problematic than I thought. And for the past years it expanded infinitely into the stupid, moronic, and violent.

I felt the path leads to nowhere. There is no path. I felt locked into my immediate environment. Friends, family, Tortuga.

I finally have amazing friends and my family is ok. I have a fucking Tortuga! I feel quite safe. I am on my own kinda and can take care of myself. I can go see super nice places out in the world.

I am fine. In that sense. But…

I see no path forward, nothing to look up to. No escape from the outside world. I find it impossible to live in my own nice bubble and ignore it. But I also cannot see a path forward.

And this has destroyed me inside. For the first time in 15 years I feel lost. I do not feel motivated to fire up anything at this world: no more books, content, projects. I don’t feel like it is going to have any impact.

I am still super happy to keep our projects alive and relevant. And I hope to also create new content. But it is hard. Even more so when my new lifestyle forces me to interrupt my work every few days. I need to move move move…get water for the motorhome, buy food, get gas, etc..

On the other hand if I were to stay in one place for longer, I would perhaps get even more depressed since I cannot find much joy and hope into creating new stuff and being actively active in my “activism”.

So maybe when I am forced to go from one place to another, is a way to keep me distracted and to allow me to continue, whatever that “continue” means.

I know this is a depressing post. And I have made several like this in the past. But this is the truth. And the truth also is that for the past 2 years or so I could not find a way out for me. Mentally that is.

So at times I am super happy and relaxed, then next day I can be totally down. I fluctuate a lot. And that is bothering me.

There are good things to look forward in my green bubble. A total solar eclipse this year and for that I will meet up with the rarest of humans, those who are smart, sane and kind. Cannot wait for that. I am also enjoying this Tortuga earthship and I look forward to see where she will take me. It is my little bubble and I still fire up some stuff into the outside world via TROM.tf, VideoNeat or TROMjaro. Maybe more will come. IDK.

But I have tried and I am either demotivated to throw content into a blackhole that this world is, or always get interrupted by life.

For now I will try more. And if nothing works, at least I still have my green bubble and I may accept to be comfortable with only that.

And don’t worry I am fine, is perhaps a normal reaction to a shithole society. Maybe I need to go through a rough road of acceptance that there is nothing there in the outside outside world that is hopeful.

We will see. At least making this post helps me a bit.

I will eat something. Take a nap. And maybe when I wake up I can even “fire up” some content for TROM. Update my never ending drafts that are meant to become books or videos one day. Because I know that I cannot just stay. I need to do something, even if it goes nowhere.

When the problems are inside of your mind, and you need your mind to fix them, it is harder than climbing the tallest mountain. But it is doable.

I will try to condense this as much as possible.

Motorhome life has started!

We left mid February towards the central South of Spain to meet with some wonderful friends.

We then went more to the South, then back to the North via the West site of Spain, and back to Estartit (where we left from), at the end of May. Kinda like this:

We got used to the motorhome life quite quickly. I LOVE IT! It is my tiny home. But honestly HUGE inside. I have my own space to work on the computer (the main table), we have a big top bed, a full bathroom with hot water and a great toilet. A kitchen where I can cook the food I want and can eat, a small but very spacious fridge, and a lot of storage space.

We visited the most wonderful places. Click these compilations to see them close up.

We saw a weird “volcano” on the map and we went there. It was not a volcano but a weirdly shaped hill 🙂

We saw two mind blowing caves:

We did two out of this world hikes through some mountains/canyons:

And visited an alien place I saw in a documentary with Brian Cox:

And these are just the places we liked the most. We visited a lot of nature. A LOT! And we stayed in some wonderful parkings for motorhomes.

Best is to follow us on Peertube or via our website.

In all it was an amazing experience. I got so used to this lifestyle. Something very wildly different from my previous lifestyle where I was spending most of my time in my room, in one place, on the computer.

BUT.

I missed a lot my brain. Yes cool places, yes cool lifestyle, but my brain is my best sensory organ that can look at the stars, read about atoms, and project about the future. Something no fingers, noses, or ears can detect or understand. I miss reading, watching lectures, putting my brain to work. To understand the world, to explain it. To debate, talk, engage.

I MISS IT!

Perhaps the motorhome life was too brief for now to be able to get back into my TROMmood. But combining both is for me the perfect lifestyle. And this is my mission.

Money no more. Back to Estartit.

We knew we will not have money and we have to make some. We came back in Estartit at the end of May so that Sasha can start another season in diving to make some money. I hate this, she hates this. We hate it. But what can we do?

I tried to make more websites for WebApe and see if we can get more donations for TROM, but it is damn hard. I get some money a month, perhaps 60% of what we need, but I seem to be stuck at that. We spend very little money when living in the motorhome. Around 900-1.000 Euros a month all included: food, fuel, insurance, internet, etc.. For 2 people, traveling over 1.000km a month, it is very very low.

I feel very frustrated when I see Sasha work as a divemaster instead of focusing her brain on her book, website, herself. But I do not know how to help. We are fucked by the trade-based society like everyone else. At least Sasha loves diving so if it weren’t for the forced diving, she enjoys it. Underwater, creatures, calmness.

I hope this is the last season for her. We can save some money and see where we go from there.

I went to Romania to build a house and lose my mind.

My parents retired. They went back to Romania. They also bought a 2.000 Euros prefab wooden house to put in my grandma’s garden. All of my grandparents are long dead, but we have some relatives living on the property. I said I should go help them put it together since it is a lot of effort to do that.

I thought I would stay for a month and I ended up staying for almost two.

We started to build the house the second day I came there. Little by little in less than 2 weeks we manged to build the frame of it.

Overall I really enjoyed going there and working on the house. No more internet bad news, no other plans, just this. I like doing these sort of things. To see it taking shape and all that. Many times I would be stressed because of my father with who I could never really get along, or anyone else for that matter. Very inpatient, angry, and he could not help much. Hard to explain to anyone how difficult this man can be, but for a few years now I suspected he may have some cognitive issues, maybe a brain tumor or idk, because he is “too much”…. he can trip on his own shoes and curse and punch something. He sneezes and then swears. He is many times unable to understand simple tasks, and if you disagree with him over anything he makes a huge drama out of it.

Communication with him is impossible.

He is not always like that tho. At times he switches 180 degrees and is very calm and friendly.

Weird. But you will see that my suspicions may have some ground in truth…

Anyway I loved this little house and it was taking shape rapidly. Inside just 4×4 meters, but very spacious. However before I came to Romania they put the foundation wrong (my father…) and without going into too much explanation it was too wide, too crooked, tilted…so when it was raining, the water will go inside the house under the frame.

Took me a long time to fix this. Had to lift the entire house and level it. Then paint the wood with a special paint, wrap it in plastic, and put foam under it. To keep it in place and not ruin the wood. I had to learn a lot about wood, concrete, damage to these materials, etc.. Basically you cannot put the wood directly on concrete and so forth.

I had to use a special paint afterwards to seal the entire frame at the bottom. Now the water wont come in. We had to level the inside of the house too – but we paid someone to do it.

In all a huge amount of work.

We even bought a metal roof and I put it myself. I used the wood pieces from the box the house came in, so that we do not waste anything. I cut it with a very old saw but I managed it eventually.

Made a frame on the roof from this wood, then I put the metal sheets.

Now house complete:

Of course I added 2 solar panels, 180W each, and a 780Wh Bluetti battery that is the main power source in the house.

Inside there is a couch that transforms into a bed, a little fridge, a sink with a water pump, a little stove…so it is fully offgrid.

You see my parents live at the 4th floor in a building with no elevator. They are in their late 60s and already find it difficult to go up and down the stairs. This house is a place for them to stay at times. At least go there, plant vegetables and fruits (which they already do). Maybe have a dog since I made a gate from the wood leftovers and put a little fence around the house.

I worked a lot. Every day almost. But I am very proud of the result. I really like this little place surrounded by nature. Calm. Quiet. I am also happy for my parents. My mother loves it so much!

BUT.

That environment in Romania is what made me want to kill myself in highschool. I hate it. And I find it difficult to explain the extent of my hate. It is the normality there, the detachment from reality that is so deep. I feel trapped in a bad zombie movie, or a horror dream. It became so depressing for me I started to watch movies again. And for those who know me this is a very bad sign. But I could not sleep anymore, I needed to distract myself from reality while I was there.

I feel so ashamed to even admit I was watching some silly old comedies to get myself out of the mess. I felt like I failed after so many years where I kept myself alive and awake. I even wrote a very dark blog post which I decide not to post because I did not want to bother the few close people to me who would read it.

But just so to make it clear, I was in a very dark place, so dark I thought at times that maybe is not worth continuing being alive. I left my little room some 20 years ago, and when I came back the world in Romania was the exact same, even worse. So what is the point!?

I do not know if anyone understands me, but nothing makes me more depressed than the normality of people. You know galaxies, atoms, evolution, atoms, all that real shit that was discovered very recently, and it had ZERO impact on people’s lives. People are the same: jobs, family, money, watch tv, bullshit like this. I get really angry and frustrated at this situation, and in Romania this contrast is so obvious.

All in all, I LOVED the little house project, and I felt like I was losing my mind while in Romania.

Time to leave. Finally! BYE!

FUCK!

It is the end of July. I decided to come back to Spain with my parents who were already planning to come back there for a month to relax and deal with some paperwork.

I could not have foreseen the shit we went through.

Plane was taking off at 06:30. No one slept. We took a bus from 00:30 to 04:00 to Bucharest. In the airport around 06:00 we were waiting in line. In the corner of my eye I see my father dropping down like a heavy rock. On his back. A big loud sound, that kind when your head hits the pavement. Really bad.

I jumped to help. He was lifeless on this back. Eyes wide open. No breathing. People were gathering around. I was sure he died. I thought he had a heat attack. He is also overweight and has some health issues.

Checked his pulse and his heart. They seemed to be working. Suddenly he wakes up. Very confused. Very! I thought ok at least he is not dead, but for sure he had a stroke.

Took us a few minutes to wake him up. Lift him. Put him on a chair. He had a bad bruise on his head.

Doctors came, romanian style with their shitty attitude. Did some tests on him. We almost missed the plane. Decided that he is ok to fly and when we arrive we go to the hospital in Spain.

My parents had seats in the front of the plane. Me in the back. I spend 2 out of 3 hours keeping an eye on them. I was scared because I thought something bad is happening with him and in the plane wtf can you do? I was so tired. I decided to try and take a short nap since there was 1 more hour flying. In my head I thought: I fucking hope I won’t wake up with my mother near me asking for help. And FUCK IT that happened!

My mother was crying waking me up. People in the plane were a bit scared. My father fainted again. Took them more time to wake him up. I went there and stayed with them trying to keep my father awake (alive?). Felt like ages to land. The crew made an announcement in the plane saying they have a medical emergency. Called for anyone who is a doctor to help. A doctor came, helped a bit. An ambulance waited for us in Barcelona when we landed. They did more tests they said all looks ok but needs to go to the hospital.

I was holding my father’s arm the entire time to make sure if he faints I can catch him. The bus was coming in 4 hours and we decided to pay for an Uber to go back in order to go faster to a hospital.

In the Uber my father fainted again and I struggled to wake him up. He seemed to have difficulty breathing. That Uber ride was one of the most awful moments in my life because it took us 2 hours to go to a hospital near Estartit and I was constantly trying to keep my father awake. We had no idea what was wrong and what if he “shuts down” and cannot come back to life?

We arrived at a hospital 10 minutes from where we live in Estartit. They sent us to the family doctor in Estartit. The doctor was very worried and sent us immediately to another hospital 40 minutes away. I drove them there. They decided to keep him for 4 days under constant monitoring connected to all sorts of machines.

We stayed with him in the hospital the first day and a half. Me and my sister.

By this time I did not sleep at all in over 40 hours, almost 2 days. I was so tired and stressed. My mother too.

Anyway.

After 4 days of monitoring and tests (so many of them including a brain CT scan), the only big issue is that his heart drops from 60-80BPM (Beats Per Minute) to just 20-30. Which is terrible and random. And the doctors are clueless why this is.

Now he is home. He is doing well. But we have no idea how bad his health issues are. We have to go back for more tests and if he faints again I have to take them to the emergency room.

Side note: the healthcare here is kinda trade-free. We paid nothing for any of this. And the care was fantastic. When he was in the hospital he had access to nurses 24/7. His own room. Food 3 times a day. TV. AC. Fantastic help that everyone should have access to.

What worries me the most.

Remember when I said I felt that my father has cognitive issues? Well they also discovered that he had mini strokes in the past (lacunar stroke) and they created tiny holes in his brain. The doctor said that YES this can impair the cognitive function and all that. Finally I think this explains his terrible behavior for the past years.

He drives very dangerously and last December we had a car crash because of him. I nearly escaped a terrible injury. He also drove on the wrong side of the road at one point, or in the 2nd gear on the highway, and so on. He forgets things, asks the same thing over and over again sometimes, etc..

I told the doctor, she did not seem too interested since we have to focus on his heart issue first.

I learned that these strokes can be because of the heart which fails to pump enough oxygen into the brain, so the tissue dies. I also learned that Dementia means brain damage in general, and I am afraid he has early stages of dementia. But since there is nothing you can do about this, except deal with what causes the brain damage (in his case likely high blood pressure and the heart BPM drops), then let the doctors continue the investigation and deal with it.

It was a terrible week for me. Now I am better. I feel sorry for my father but I am also tired of dealing with his behavior to be honest. I also have a life to take care of. Of course whatever help my parents need I am always available.

What next?

For the past month since we arrived here I have been staying in the motorhome in a parking lot near the building where my sister and my parents live. It was crazy hot and uncomfortable. At night it was ok with the fans and I was able to sleep decently.

I was planning to only stay for a week or two in this region then go to a colder area, like mountains. But because of what happened to my father…I had to stay a lot longer.

I managed to do a lot of work on the motorhome at least. I fixed our showertub that was getting scratched up over time by whatever we put on top of it. So from this:

I transformed it into this:

I redid the entire electrical part of our main battery and added a new bigger solar controller. I will showcase in our TROMhome videos at one point but look at the mess I made while working on it:

I even built my own cinema (another video that I will make for TROMhome)

I also did the car inspection and fixed a few other things.

So at least I did some work on the motorhome.

BUT.

I need my TROM time. When is that coming?

In a week or so I will be finally leaving with the motorhome by myself. I don`t really care where I go as long as it is not so hot and I can focus on TROM. I need my brain fucking back. And I will try to reboot myself and TROM this year, or die trying.

Everyone is sucked into the system. Understandably so. And if I get sucked into it I will be as good as dead. So I will do my best to stay away from this fuckery. Life is short and I don’t want to miss the opportunity to let my brain understand and wonder about reality. I don’t want to be one of the billion humans who lived a fake fantasy, a simple one, that of citizens, workers, labeled simplistic creatures who did not realize what was truly true.

My “perfect” life, considering the limitations I(we) face in this society, is to travel with the motorhome to nice nature places, while at the same time create more content for TROM. Maybe the sparks of this combo could be going to some events and present TROM, do some screenings, etc.. Live with little, kinda detached from society, while keeping my brain active and engaged. And scream and do!

I will try to spend even less money and survive from the donations I get from TROM plus WebApe. It will be tough but this motorhome is my escape, without it I would be totally fucked. I need to get away from people for a bit, from normality, and get my brain back.

I am either getting my brain back or lose it.

And I will fight for it!

A week or so ago my Dell laptop started to not charge from time to time until it stopped charging. The laptop has 2 USB-C ports for charging and both died. I checked and only one worked for data transfer. I could not find a solution. You know I am the “computer repair guy” normally and I fix people`s laptops but this time I could not fix mine.

Look at this:

No way I can fix these and not destroy the laptop. They make these impossible to repair for normal folks and too expensive to send for repair anyway. Likely would have cost me hundreds of euro in Spain and would take a long time.

So frustrating since it works just fine with the battery but I CANNOT charge it! WTF.

So I decided to drop this laptop for good and go for a much cheaper one. You see this 1.200 Euros Dell laptop that I had for the past 3 years had a bunch of issues anyway

1. From the start the trackpad did not work. I had to solder a wire inside of it to make it work. Insane!

2. The battery dropped to some 50% capacity in less than 2 years.

3. It was hard to open and overall not very well built (I realized that in time because in the beginning I thought it was very well built).

4. Lately some keys on the keyboard stopped working unless you really press down on them hard.

6. It was getting crazy hot. In the summer I could not hold it on my lap. And it was designed by a moron who thought sharp corners are cool…

I feel bad that I spent so much money on it. Overall I was happy with it, especially the screen, but the above issues were not easy to accept.

ThinkPad P1 Gen1

I have very little money and I thought why not buy a cheap ThinkPad. My sister has a small ThinkPad Yoga that she bought second hand a few years ago from ebay. And I LOVED it. The build quality, THAT keyboard….how easy it is to open and upgrade.

I was in a rush since I had no laptop anymore and after 2 days of searching I found the ThinkPad P1 series. 15.6inch screen, great keyboard, and very good specs. I was lucky to find it for 300 Euros on Wallapop (second hand store).

Here is why I LOVE this laptop and why it is better than that Dell.

Build quality.

This is properly built not a gimmick like that Dell that had a metal chassis but inside all plastic. This one has a metal alloy inside. Feels a lot more robust. And no sharp corners. I can easily handle this laptop.

It is the same size and weight as that Dell. It is quite thin and has all of the ports you need.

I also like that it opens flat like this. IDK why but I always hated when laptops only open half way through.

Overall it feels very well made.

Easy to upgrade.

Which one looks better organized inside?

Clearly the bottom one, ThinkPad. 2 fans that keep this laptop a lot cooler than that Dhell. I could easily add my 64GB of RAM and it has TWO, THWO M2 slots! Wow. Dell only had one. I added my 4TB on one slot and kept the 512GB it came with for system backups. I always wanted to Tmeshift my system backups to a different drive and now I can do it easily.

To open this ThinkPad you only need to remove 7 screws that are held captive to the bottom chassis “plate”. With the Dell it was a bit awful. Tiny screws that you can lose and a lot of sweat to lift that base. Noises, cracks…bad.

Multiple charging options.

Their proprietary charger port plus 2 USB-C. In case any stops working (DELL!!!) you have another way to keep the laptop charged.

That keyboard!

Wow. You have to use these ThinkPad keyboards to understand what a good fucking keyboard is. Most laptops wanna be thin and have almost touch-based keyboards. They suck. This one feels like you gave your fingers a comfy chair. For someone like me who writes a lot, a keyboard is more important than other things.

LOVE IT!

Performance?

Everyone is obsessed with numbers and names. This new CPU X12Nm V2! Bla-bullshit. Marketing nonsense.

Ok look at the numbers. The Dell had a Core i7-1260P with 12 cores and 16 threads. This ThinkPad has a Core i7-8850H with 6 cores and 12 threads.

On paper the Dell is some 40% better than the ThinkPad.

In practice I notice NO difference. Yes I only got the ThinkPad for a day, but the only CPU intensive tasks I do are multitasking (doing now, no difference), compiling the TROMjaro ISOs (now takes 10-20 minutes longer), and video editing in Kdenlive where I use proxy videos anyway so the CPU is barely used. Perhaps when I render videos it would take a bit longer. But just a bit.

The rest is total BS – just marketing. I do a lot of things including VMs, and my CPU is bellow 6%.

Where I was held back a bit was the video card from Dell. An Nvidia MX550 with just 2GB of RAM. ThinkPad uses an Nvidia Quadro P2000 with Max-Q Design. Kinda similar but it has 4GB of RAM. I could not run some Language Models for translating stuff in Kdenlive with the 2GB of RAM GPU from Dell, so this one should help.

What I need is a lot of is RAM. And I am using the same 64GB from the Dell. Also same M2 drive.

The screen is indeed better from the Dell one. That OLED…but this one is not at all bad. After a few minutes you cannot tell one from another. You simply adjust.

So I bet performance wise I will notice no difference, and this is the key. All of those CPU and GPU names make no difference. The real use is important.

Cheap is better!

When this laptop released some 5 years ago it was selling for around 2.000$. Now you can grab a good second hand one for around 3-400 Euros. In a way the advantage of this endless consuming society is that they release so many new models making the “old” ones very cheap very fast. So you can buy them second had and in very good working quality.

Before I was very concerned for my laptop since I paid so much money and I thought if I lose it I am fucked. But now, is fine. If I lose it or it breaks, I can get the same one for a few hundreds of euros.

Not so much stress as before.

Linux rocks!

The fact that I simply put my M2 driver with TROMjaro in the new laptop and booted into it, and all worked as before, is pure Linux magic. I had to do nothing except reinstall something for the finerprint reader. It means I can take that drive of mine of 4TB and put it into any machine really, and have my own stuff there. Making it my own.

Fucking amazing!

Overall

The speakers are decent, I managed to make the finerprint reader work which is fantastic, the keyboard is sane and in English, no nonsense keys, and the webcam is decent for a laptop.

(when you are prompted to use the fingerprint a little light turns on – neat)

In BIOS you can also change the FN and CTRL keys since for some reason ThinkPad Thinks it is a good idea to put the FN key where most laptops put the CTRL key. At least is easy to switch.

So overall a very cheap laptop and very good. If this one breaks at least I know I can cheaply buy another one like this, put my drive and RAM into it, and that`s it.

THANK YOU!

I made a donation campaign for this laptop and raised the money within hours. Thank you to those who donated. Thank you very much. My laptop is so important for me – allows me to do all of these TROM projects.

Many thanks!

UPDATES 1:

After a week I still love it :). I love how they use these little lights to tell you if your mic is on mute, your FN key is active, audio on mute as well, and so on. Really handy honestly.

And the little red dot from the lid, on the back. When it goes on and off slowly it means the computer is in standby mode. SUPER HELPFUL for my needs since at times I felt like my laptop wont go into standby when I close the lid. Now I know.

The typing is great. But the letter G on the keyboard needs to be pressed a bit more to work…tried to fix it but likely nothing to do…is ok. I am getting used to it.

The battery is quite ok, and the screen….well it is fine but I miss the OLED a lot….the colors on this one are washed out, like on most laptops. But well…is fine.

I started to video edit on it. So far seems like before in terms of speediness. Made a new TROMjaro ISO, super fast as before. I cannot tell the difference.

So I can fully say that this 300 Euros laptop, that was actually 260 Euros and the rest taxes and transport fees, is as good as that 1.200 Euros Dell I had. This is fantastic!

Oh and I finally feel like I have a laptop that I can carry around with me….no sharp edges and a bit lighter. Love it!