Life updates. Is going to be difficult.

Almost 2 days ago I am told by my “girlfriend” that she cheated on me and also wants to split apart. It was the same day she got back from a 2 months trip to a place she really wanted to visit and explore. I supported her through her journey fully. I wanted for her to be happy. It is true that for the past year or two our relationship wasn’t the best since I wanted something from life and she something else. I would like to go travel with the motorhome, see nice places, but more importantly make projects like TROM, learn about the world, create content, etc.. I would like to get involved with such things. She wanted to feel free, take her backpack, go explore the world by herself. We are both quite extreme creatures, obsessed a bit with our preferred lifestyle.

A year ago we were sitting in bed and I asked what would be your ideal life? I said mine would be for the two of us to be a team, work on interesting projects like TROM that would open the door to meet new people, to do something important in this world. Let’s make videos, write, go meet other organizations, do talks, get the active in activism. And at the same time travel with the motorhome, see cool places, have fun. She said her ideal life would be to feel freedom like she used to. Take her backpack and go go go. Not knowing where to. Just feel free. See amazing nature places, meet new people. I asked if she sees me in her ideal life, and she said an honest “no”. I said why are we together then…but things moved on…somehow…

From that moment on I knew this will not end up well for our relationship. Mind you I said since then a few times if she feels like we should take a break let’s do it and that’s it. Let’s make sure we split apart in a sane way. But nothing followed that.

But is not like we were fighting now or there were any signs the breakup will happen, at least not so sudden. We’ve been in touch over the past two months while she was in this nice place enjoying her preferred lifestyle. She even said to me that it costs some 700 Euros to take the motorhome there with a ferry and maybe we will do it one time. Was excited to see her. Picked her up from the train station and I felt like she was cold to me, despite the dying Spanish heat that day.

For the entire day we talked a bit about her adventures, she was happy to story some of that, we ate, she slept, we met with some of her friends and they had a fun chat about these adventures. We went for a walk, then back to the motorhome. I sit down and she tells me that she hooked up with a guy, and that she felt so amazing in this place, she felt again like she was free and was in awe. She is deeply sorry and she was crying all of this time. She said she does not care about this guy or being with someone, she just wants this lifestyle back.

This is more or less a classical breakup story, and this bothers me a lot. I was very vocal with her about the fact that if we are to move apart let’s please do it in a way that we do not hurt each other. After all ending a 7 year long relationship is not that easy regardless, so let’s land that plane safely. I told her directly maybe let’s think of taking a break if you want that, you go do your thing, I do mine, and we see where it goes. But let’s call it that. And if is permanent, so be it. But we need time to adjust to a life without each other. At least I needed for sure.

You see I was never in such a relationship before. I was a loner, making TROM and the like, because my brain cannot simply adjust to this stupid society. I cannot ignore the problems I see, the amazing scientific realities I am aware of. I cannot have a normal job, go chitchat with the work mates, watch a movie later on, rinse and repeat. So I was basically all alone except for my close family and some people I kept in touch with online.

In 2019 I organized a “TROM Meetup” to meet with the closest people to the project for the first time. It was really fun and encouraging, but I also had some weird medical issues that turned out to be just a kidney stone being trapped somewhere down the pipes. So it was a mix of feelings. But one big thing happened that time. This girl who was very involved with TVP and some with TROM, basically conquered me mentally and physically. We ended up together and my feelings were a bit mixed due to my health issues and the fact that this was so new to me.

We ended up being together for some 7 years, and we’ve been through a lot. Since I was never in such a relationship before I put most of my energy into it, meaning I thought this is such a precious thing I might as well take care of it. She was my priority regardless. To help her as much as possible, be there for her, be kind to her, etc.. Because not only did I care directly about her, the now, but I also realized that we need each other for the future. To support each other emotionally, physically, and financially. It was fantastic.

I remember the first few years was telling her how now I can sleep so well and fast, because I felt so close to her and relaxed. I miss those moments. Before that it would take me hours every night to trick my brain into falling asleep.

She struggled tho. She wanted her adventures back from the first years we were together, and that made me sad. Sad for the relationship, but I always told her if she really wants to go, please go. Let’s have a serious discussion and it is what it is. I was afraid she would leave. I lived with that little fear inside of me for the past years.

She lost her interest in these sort of projects, and I understand. Most people did. It is fucking hard to keep swimming against the current in this big ocean. We did work together on some things including TROM II.

We bought a motorhome some 2 years ago, and that I could never do without her. She made most of the money to buy it. I had a hope that this is something that would make both of our lifestyles have a common happy ground. But from the get go I saw her not very interested in it. We said let’s give it a try.

For the past 2 or so years we’ve been traveling in Spain. We saw some amazing caves, mountains, lakes, and nice places. But I was doing bad mentally since I could not find my motivation to work on TROM again. Is really great to see some cool places, but for me is an empty feeling if I do not do something else more important than that. I was not able to create any new content in this time.

She was also not that happy or excited at times. She is very active, great for her honestly, but she needs more than this.

Anyway, we had serious discussions about perhaps moving apart but I insisted we land the plane safely.

Her last adventure, I felt, was a make it or break it thing. Either she comes back happy and charged up, and ready to mix that lifestyle with our own, or she comes comes back happy and charged up, and ready to go back to this lifestyle. BUT, and I INSIST, I thought if the second thing happens, we will spend a few days landing the plane safely.

You see, I got NO indication from my conversations with her over the past 2 months, that this is inevitable. She would send me photos and videos, she would give me hopes at times that perhaps we will go together to that place one day. We are going to see a total solar eclipse in August and we have everything booked, us and our friends. So the plan was she comes back, she works for 3 months in this town, I will go out a bit with the motorhome because is too hot to stay here, and we meet again in August, and then we see.

The day has come, she was back. I was of course excited to see her. I could not even sleep much that night. She was, after all, my main human still. I invested myself emotionally and physically in this relationship for the past years.

Picked her up from the train station, hugged and kissed her. She for sure felt cold. But I thought she is tired. We went to my sister’s apartment where we had something to eat, she had a shower. She would excitedly tell us about her adventures a bit. There was absolutely no sign of what was about to happen. She took a long nap, I took her with her luggage to the apartment where she’ll stay for these 3 working months. There she also had happy discussions with her room and work mates about her adventures.

If I knew I would end our 7 year old relationship today, I for sure would feel sick to the stomach. And unable to even produce a smile. I would be destroyed because I would realize what I am about to say and how it would impact the other one.

I have lower right abdominal pain and back pain for a year now. Also right leg pain. It drives me crazy. We investigate to see what it is, but needless to say having pain, whatever and wherever it is, for more than a year, almost daily and for the past 2-3 months daily, is really fucking you up. Physically and mentally. I take painkillers now daily. I am worried I may have something bad. Is normal. We continue the tests and all that so we will see. But I was in a very bad state mentally and physically.

However when I was alone I was able to work on new TROM content. I finished a big article about a very important topic, and I was about to release these days. I thought this is my reboot. And now maybe we both can be charged up and try to adapt our preferred lifestyles to meet in the middle. I hoped. I also felt like now that she comes back I can get myself distracted from my pain-life. Maybe we spend some time together, I was curious to know more about her adventures.

So that night in the motorhome she started to cry and told me that she hooked up with a guy as a one time thing, but she wants her lifestyle back so she cannot continue in this relationship. Being already tired as it was midnight, I felt like I was dreaming. I was not even angry at her. I was sad. And truly disappointed.

I was sure she is smart and wise enough to make sure she also cares about me if she is to take such a decision. Make sure you don’t fuck me up. If I was the one taking this decision I would be in an advantageous position since I have made up my mind, I have accepted it internally, and I have found a different path. I know where I am going. But not the partner. So I would make sure to take care of the partner and make sure she is ok and she can handle it all. I would really struggle to make sure we land and not crash the plane.

After an hour of talking and her crying, and me being shocked, she left. There was no yelling, no drama. Just absorbing the bad news. I stayed in the motorhome and for the first time in many years I started to cry and feel like shit. I don’t think anyone has seen me cry, because I am able to internalize my feelings and I simply do not cry really. I may get watery eyes and some tears, but that proper cry never. Well now I experienced it fully.

I felt like a lion in a cage suffocating. I wanted to go out, but I had abdominal and back pain. I stayed in bed with the lights on until 6 in the morning. I am parked in the parking close to where my sister lives. I stayed around here for the past 2 months since I had to do some medical exams, but also because my sister also had some health issues and I was here to help. So I went to her apartment. She has a spare room. I felt a bit better. She woke up to go to work, I told her. She was shocked.

I could barely sleep yesterday. I am usually bad at managing my thoughts when something stresses me out. I think and think until I get exhausted. I thought a lot about our relationship, the past, and the future.

The past makes me wanna cry. Nostalgia is a hell of an emotional rollercoaster. All of the times we were happy, the fact that we were amused at the same jokes, we agreed that this Trade Society is the fault for most of our problems, how reality is amazing….so many things.

But the future is what scares me shitless.

All of my life I went full on detach from this society. As much as possible. I try to walk the talk. I never had a job so I struggled financially, but that also kept me saner and focused on these TROM like projects. I do not know how to support myself in this system. So alone I am fucked. Luckily others have helped me over the years, and when I was with her we managed to support each other. First, for me, emotionally since for the first time I had such a close relationship with another human. I felt like we are going together through life, facing it like that, rather than alone. So that was extremely important for me. Maybe for her too, even if she may not realize now. You understand how important such close relationships are when you are in trouble. And a few times this has been the case, for both of us, and having someone so close to you to help, is essential.

Now I have the motorhome, less than a thousand euros in my savings, and I feel terribly alone especially when I think about the future. Especially since I am someone who does not look forward to meet other people per-se, I am not that “social” at all. So for me, meeting someone else, seems like an impossible challenge.

Yesterday I was putting her stuff in bags so she can grab them from the motorhome. And I got very emotional. I realized that this is it. This lifestyle is gone. She is gone. And I will have to deal with it. I was chocking in my own thoughts.

Trust me I was ready for moving to separate lives, and I talked to her about that, but she caught me in a very bad moment and it was so sudden. I felt so sick.

I was crying like a bitch and felt like suffocating while putting her stuff into the bags. I had to leave the motorhome and asked her to come finish the job because I simply cannot handle it well.

Last night I slept in my sister’s apartment because I feel a bit sick to stay in the motorhome. I never thought I would be so emotionally fucked up, but is because I was already struggling mentally too with my health issues, at times not sleeping thinking what if I have some really bad thing like a tumor. A word I’ve heard as a rare possibility from my doctor twice now. So what I needed was support, and what I got was devastation.

I am not angry at her, I do not want to hurt her at all, I want her to not be sad and be happy. I would suffer even more if she would suffer. I simply cannot hate her. But I am deeply disappointed in how she handled this. She did an absolute terrible job and she hurt me so much, nothing hurt me like that ever. And I hope nothing will.

She already decided, she knew, she was ready. She should have made me ready. At least wait till next day and tell me. And hooking up with someone else…while we were still chatting on Signal as if nothing happened, tells me she found happiness and fun, and that our relationship was not that important for her anyway.

It is a very difficult time for me, for sure the most difficult in my life.

She helped me and was nice with me for the past years. I appreciate the time we spent together. Because of her I was able to experience new things, a new lifestyle. I used to be emotionally sealed being alone for so long, I was saying you could send me in a spacecraft to the nearby star system, alone, and I will be ok. I no need no one. The relationship unsealed me emotionally, I got used to be with her, to know she is there. And now without her I feel weird.

I do not know how I will adapt to being alone again, how I will manage my life financially when I can’t even have money to pay for the yearly motorhome insurance. How my life would look in years from now. I always much preferred to have a solid relationship with a few humans, a partner and a few friends, for all of my life, than jump from one life to another. Maybe because I am uncomfortable with meeting up new people, and with people in general. The reality (from atoms to galaxies) is not something the vast majority of people use as their template for who they are, and that confuses me a lot. The world is full of citizens, workers, all sorts of characters that are fantasies created inside people’s heads, supported by this cancerous society.

For sure there are many out there who are humans, and maybe I can meet more of them. But the reality is that the vast majority of people live in a fantasy land and that makes me really not wanting to “go out there”, meet anyone.

I am really lucky because my sister was here. She helped me a lot, both mentally and with the fact that I have a place to stay in this heat of Spain. Would be impossible in the motorhome now. I am not alone in that sense. Also Roma, Aaron, Roko and a few others are amazing friends who supported me endlessly with this. It helps me talk and vent out the frustration, same way it does writing this article.

Time will fade out most such problems. Maybe this shock to my system will lead to something better for me. Right now all I want is to sit for a few days….think…absorb and get over it as much as possible.

She may read this article, is likely, so I want her to know that I am not upset at her. And I honestly hope she found happiness. But life can be a different ride from now on, where solid relationships may matter more. I am not sure if I lost her, or she lost me.

I am truly disappointed that she didn’t manage to help land this plane. I was expecting a lot more from her.

I am swallowing a lot of things that make me wanna puke these days. Disappointment, sadness, loneliness, concern for the future. But I am sure I will get over it one day.

Is going to be difficult.